I want to know why. I want to know how it is possible for millions of people to suffer from fibrmyalgia and yet no one listens to them? How is it that people around me literally think that I am insane and faking it for 6 years now? I have gained 100 pounds, I have made my husband and my sons have to deal with a sick wife/mother, I never leave my house, I fall down in public, I can’t sleep some nights… how in the hell can anyone think that I would fake something for so long?
Well, one theory of theirs is that I am faking it so I can stay home and smoke pot. The funny part about that one is that when I was working at Walmart I was smoking MORE than I do now. I was so baked all day when I worked there, just so I could continue to ignore how I really felt about that place. Point being.. I was really high.
Now I medicate. It is a very different distinction. I medicate with an herb and break the law because I am 14 years clean from all opiates and I intend to keep it that way. Arrest me if you will officer, but I won’t be going down the opiate rabbit hole ever again. Opiates steal your soul, not unlike some unholy demon we all see in scary movies. Opiates didn’t make my head spin around, but it may as well have.
Yup, I smoke.. rather I vaporize… I lost my life to this disorder. I lost the ability to take walks. I have lost the ability to touch ice or snow. I have lost the ability to sew. I cannot make the things I used to make and on days like this one I can’t even make jewelry. I don’t even try because I know it won’t go well and I will be sad.
I am okay on these days because I have a heated throw that I lay under. So, I am okay.. but this is no life. I tell everyone to have a positive attitude.. and I still do.. but on days like today it is okay to look like a scarecrow and cry a couple of tears. I allow myself some time to feel sorry for myself. I don’t drag anyone else down, at least I try not to, but damn if I don’t wonder what the hell I ever did to make this happen.
I tell warriors not to ask themselves that pointless question. I think, though, that is impossible. I try to catch myself before I actually have a full blown pity party but hell.. this sucks.. and I hate to use the F word, but this is NOT fair.
Fair.. the all important word here. The F word that really matters to me today. I see all these insane horrible people that run this country, or belong to ISIS or what have you and they are fine. Their bodies work. I watch videos online and I realize that I have forgotten.
I have forgotten what normal feels like. I have forgotten the warm comfort that healthy people have when they get out of the shower. I have forgotten what it was like when stepping outside, even when it is 2 degrees, wouldn’t shut my body down. I looked forward to forgetting but now that I have it is even scarier.
My brain.. it won’t work. It won’t work when I am trying to talk to someone. I feel so stupid because I am skipping all over and the words take so long to make it from my brain to my mouth I end up talking nonsense. I say things and within a minute or less I totally forget that I have said anything.
Point is, this is terrifying. Sure, we aren’t dying.. but I have to admit that some days I wouldn’t mind so much if I were. I don’t want to kill myself, but daily torture wasn’t anywhere in my five year plan either.
I will quote Will Ferrell in Talledega Nights..” Help me Oprah Winfrey, Help me Tom Cruise, Help me Jewish God… ” Please, there are millions of us,. why are they still giving us depression medication? Why can’t we get the help we need? Why can’t we get the attention that we deserve? We all deserve better than this.