I am 39 years old. I have two sons, who I had when I was still young. They are 17 and 18 years old. I remember that feeling, when I was young and married to an Army guy.. I remember when the grocery store was my “get out of the house” card. I always felt slighted because I wanted to do the fun stuff the other people my age were doing.
Now I am more than happy to only leave the house in a weeks time to go to Walmart. With fibromyalgia everything is more difficult, going out nearly takes an act of congress. Putting on a bra nearly does me in these days.
I have friends and I am afraid to hang out with them because I am afraid that they won’t like the new me. I am so much different, I am scared to lose them as friends. I miss them so much. But the fear of losing them forever keeps me away.
They live far away, so it isn’t that difficult to maintain contact on the internet.. Because then I show them what I want them to see. I don’t want to be dishonest, but I am fucking terrified that none of you will like me anymore.
I found occasional help with the boys and I have had a great life, but I remember… I remember saying to my husband, “yeah you think that going to Walmart counts as an outing” and at the time I remember.. It didn’t count, I struggled for a long time.
Incredibly bored and lonely, this was before internet, this was before cell phones. I remember that I was different and I could walk and I could think and I had friends; some of which are still my friends, from afar, because I am fucking terrified that they won’t like who I have become.
I could keep up with my boys. I got lucky there. I stayed healthy while they grew. Healthy enough to really make up for how shitty I was in the beginning. Then I was 30 and I had to re-evaluate. I remember when I felt like I had it all.
I remember getting a manager job at Walmart, where I literally walked miles every single day. I remember thinking even though the job was sort of shitty, I had it all. I was able to camp all weekend with my family.
I remember. I remember having rough times, with drugs, with myself, with my marriage. I fought and struggled and we fixed our marriage, I fixed how I was with my kids.. I still didn’t think it counted as a trip out when all I was doing was going to Walmart. But I was happy. I was happy and I didn’t take it for-granted.. thank the light for that.
I spent many years content.
I couldn’t wait to hang out at the Happy Hippy Haven every single weekend. During those parties I never had a bed, I was able to sleep on the floor, or not sleep, which was often the case. However, I had the time of my life.
I remember watching my kids grow and that will forever be the best accomplishment I am likely to make. They are beautiful people who are going to make the world a better place and I am more proud of that achievement than anything else I can imagine for myself.
So, I worked.. I was there for three years. They were pretty great. We had money. We finally found an awesome rental house. Things were going our way. I even went and I bought a brand new Kia.
Then I started feeling like my lower back was numb, and I would get horrible shooting pains. Then I remember hanging some shirts above my head and holding my arm up seemed to be harder and harder every day, and this really scared me because it was summer, the stuff was not heavy.
I remember when a co-worker made a joke and tapped me on my arm and it HURT, and it hurt for a really long time. I knew that day that something was seriously wrong. I felt in my gut that this was the beginning of something.
I remember when I used to take comfort in a shower. I remember when I could hang out with my friends. I remember when I could dance and spin records. I wish so very much that I could forget, because even as I type it brings tears to my eyes. I miss my life. I miss my friends.
I have spent the last few years figuring out who I am, with this life altering disorder. My whole life is different. Everything is different. I love getting to go to Walmart once a week. I am really good at being happy with what I have.
I fucking want more. I want to see more of my friends. I want to try more stuff. I miss my life, but I will be damned if I lose another second of living to this fucked up monster that lives in my brain.
Please text me friends. I miss you. I want you to decide for yourself if you still want to hang out. Having a few left is so much better than closing myself off to all of you. I get it if I am too much.. but I will not give up without trying.
Live, Love, and fight like a girl ❤