Recently I have been in a very dark place. Not just thinking about suicide, but actually planning it.. and not because I was bored and sad either. I scared myself. Then I thought some more about the whole horrible mess and I realized that I would be killing myself because of school. Not that there are any good reasons to off yourself, but school? Something I can fix? Fuck that, I want be alive because I am needed here.
I can talk about suicide with a blasé attitude because I have a chronic illness. I am quite certain I am not alone by playing the Suicide Game in my head. That has always been enough. I would think of ways to do it. I would think about places. I never planned to do it. Ever. My chronic pain warriors can tell you the same, this is just yet another thing that most people do not talk about.
I will add here AND FUCKING PAY ATTENTION.. if you are really scared for yourself, check yourself into the psych ward for a couple of days. It is not like you see in the movies, they take care of you and you get the help you need.
So, back to my thing. I have woken up crying for 4 days. School is out for now. I need 10,000 bucks. Old news, I know. Today I woke up in a good mood.
The thing that bothers me the most is this; people have so much money. I have seen them, we all have. They earned it, I absolutely believe that they can do whatever they want with it. That said, I am crying and screaming and pounding for 10 grand when some other person has that in their safe at home for emergencies.
Some of them help their communities, some of them are amazing, I just wish I had the means at my fingertips and I could pay for school and start to help. I do not want to be rich. Once the boys are out, I am all about having a tiny house.
So, the upside is that I am no longer staring at the bottle with stars in my eyes.. I am safe from myself. This is a test. Just how patient can I be? Just how hard am I willing to work? Only time will tell, except fuck that.. I got this. I learned to live with a debilitating disorder, surely I can figure out my next step.