What in the Hell am I supposed to do with all this extra time? I am bored out of my skull

What in the Hell am I supposed to do with all this extra time?  I am bored out of my skull

I do not deal well with boredom.  I have all day long here at my house.  I have a computer and I was doing school..  For five years, that has been my thing.  I am out of school.  SNAFU on their part..  and yes I have a complaint in with the state attorney.  That being said, I am here, alone, with my dog and absolutely nothing to do. If I watch more Hulu or Netflix I think I might lose it entirely.  I have a yard and I have paint and crafts..  but I fear I will tear everything I make to pieces.

I threw a huge fit this morning.  I threw a bunch of jewelry that I made into the woods.  I threw some potted plants into the woods as well.  I am at the end of my rope.  I want to send away for my college transcripts of the classes that I was able to finish, but my husband says that the 10 dollar money order can wait.  What difference does it make?  That is what he says.  To me, it makes all the difference in the world.  I don’t care how slowly they get here, I NEED to take the step.

This post is really geared towards all you warriors out there that felt this already.  Running in circles, no idea how to fill the time.  I don’t know how you do it.  Please, if you have any advice, include it in my comments section because I am lost.  I am lost and I am pissed.  I am here for my family.  I don’t miss a thing.  They just hope that I stay quiet and behave myself.  They love me, but they are all men…  they don’t get it.

I hate to admit that I am having really dark thoughts.  I never would do it, but I fill these moments with fantasies about how I would kill myself.  Like I said, I never would but…  dammit.  I am so fucking tired of being broken.  Now my thing..  my one thing..  s gone.  I have a husband that thinks it is no big deal.  I don’t have any friends who understand what it is like to be trapped in your house.  Some people would think that this is a great life.  No worries, home all day, resting with the dog.

NO..  NO NO..  this is not for me.  I am losing my mind and I am truly waiting until I really lose it.  I am desperate.  This is the first post I have written with all the energy that is pouring out of me.  I am selfish right now.  I don’t want to help anyone.  I need help.  I need support.  A fucking pat on my fucking head would be pretty great.  I don’t get those things..  I get yelled at for waiting until thursday to talk about paying a bill.

I can’t.  I just can’t.  I know that I am not alone in this.  I need to find something to destroy.  already super sprained my ankle..  won’t be able to destroy much.  Maybe I just needed to get the words out.  Live on sisters and brothers that suffer at home.  This sucks donkey dick and we have to work together to figure out how to fill the empty hours


About Phoenix Rose

I am a fibromyalgia warrior. I was forced to quit my job, and I spent two years in bed trying to stop my heart with my mind. TWO YEARS. I spend so much time working on this blog because maybe I can prevent just one person from giving up, then I will have considered it a job well done. I am attending university to gain my bachelor's degree in both sociology and psychology. Fibromyalgia is not the end of your life, it is just the end of your life as you know it. Life is still sweet, and we all have something to live for. I am attending University online.. Psychology and Sociology double major. I am not selling a damn thing, I am only writing with raw honesty about this affliction that has forced me to find out just who I am now. Version 2.0 if you will. I know that I went through Marine Corp boot camp and nothing we did there was more difficult than what I now face. I talk about my journey, maybe you read some of my stuff and realize you aren't alone... that is a start. Live, Love, and Fight.

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