Starting Over and Over and Over and Over. I am tired. I thought I wanted to give up.

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Starting Over and Over and Over and Over.  I am tired.  I thought I wanted to give up.

I barely remember what it was like before fibro.  I know that I could take a shower and not need a nap afterward.  I could keep up with my friends and my kids when we went out,.  I could ride a roller coaster.  I could run.  I could create, and I could find a job that suited me.  All of those things are gone.  You don’t appreciate what you can do, until it is all taken from you/

I compensated.  I started to attend university.  I even double majored in sociology and psychology.  I am 20 credits away and suddenly I don’t get to finish unless I give them $10,000.  Yeah, you heard me..  10,000..  Yeah, like I have that.  I have never in my life had that much money.

It was disheartening to say the least.  I was suicidal.  School is what made me feel like a human.  I figured I could graduate and help others with my knowledge and skills.  I won’t be graduating now, however I am finding more and more that the credits are all that I need.  That is the one piece of good news that came out of this.

The other bit of good news, for all warriors is that it is possible to lose something so big that it was your life and find your own way to your next thing.  We have to keep our brains working.  We have to stay as creative as possible.  Seriously, find some sticks and hot glue them together..  who cares what it looks like?  You had fun doing it.

I still fight the pain in my gut.  I gave the school 5 years of myself.  My family is supportive.  There have been many times that I have had to do school and missed some of their stuff.  I can get my transcripts and finish class by class (yes, at a totally different school).  I have a plan.  I am just waiting for the fire under my ass to get myself past this tragedy.

I laid in bed after I found out and I went back to my old ways..  fantasizing about how I would kill myself.  I know I am a wife and a mom but that doesn’t come into play when I go to these dark places.  I truly figure they are better off without me.  Shit, I worked my ass off and I can’t even make college happen.  I can’t stay in this place for long, it seems like an insult to the universe.  I would never do it..  but the fantasizing has gotten me through some dark places.

I have things to offer.  I help people.  I have been given insight and gifts that will help many.  I recently found out that I have more to give.  I am not worthless, I am simply being toughened up.  I am learning how to fight for what I want.  I am learning that I am worth it.

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So are you.  Right now, every time I start to think negative thoughts I find something to do.. There are a million things you can do.  Not for sale..  just for you.  One step at a time, one project at a time.  That is the other part.  Instead of looking through the mountain that is my craft stuff, I know what it is that I want and I get the stuff for the current project…  then I don’t leave piles of craft supplies all over the house, with no idea what the hell I was thinking anyway.

The whole point here?  You can’t give up.  Life is going to hit you hard, it just does when you are already down.  I don’t know why, but I do know that I have to take this time to grow and learn and make myself even stronger.  Yeah, it feels like “surely this is the last test and I shall rest and be ok for a while” but guess what?  It doesn’t.  However, it is all in how you handle it.

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I cried with the school thing..  I took a month worth of xanax in a week and a half.  I was wrecked.  I didn’t think I could come back from this one.  In some ways I think I haven’t.  I am more confused than before.

Water is healing, cleansing and amazing to meditate in…  this is me just the other day..  it was the bump I needed to get myself back in the game.

I can’t remember the day or really random things that I should know.  BUT I am back and I am painting a chair and I am. once again, working the baby steps technique.  Thanks for listening..  always remember you are not alone.

Friend me on Facebook…  PM me..  I am good at what I do and I am here to help if you need it.

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About Phoenix Rose

I am a fibromyalgia warrior. I was forced to quit my job, and I spent two years in bed trying to stop my heart with my mind. TWO YEARS. I spend so much time working on this blog because maybe I can prevent just one person from giving up, then I will have considered it a job well done. I am attending university to gain my bachelor's degree in both sociology and psychology. Fibromyalgia is not the end of your life, it is just the end of your life as you know it. Life is still sweet, and we all have something to live for. I am attending University online.. Psychology and Sociology double major. I am not selling a damn thing, I am only writing with raw honesty about this affliction that has forced me to find out just who I am now. Version 2.0 if you will. I know that I went through Marine Corp boot camp and nothing we did there was more difficult than what I now face. I talk about my journey, maybe you read some of my stuff and realize you aren't alone... that is a start. Live, Love, and Fight.

One response »

  1. I have read your story on facebook and it us so true that we can’t give up. You are so positive and y pick up you feet and start over. That’s what I do too. Very positive thinking. I say to myself and others. Can’t let fibromalgia brings us down and win. We have to win this.

    Liked by 1 person

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