Starting Over…

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This is the hardest thing I have had to do in my entire life.  A lot of these posts were made while I was in school.  Well, school fucked me over so I cannot finish my 20 credits it will take to graduate.  They are calling me wanting money and frankly that pisses me off.

Whatever you do, do NOT and I repeat NOT attend a for profit college, they will rip you off.  Not by hundreds of dollars, but by 10,000 dollars…  From nowhere.  All of a sudden I owed this money and no one at the school will speak to me.  Shocker.

This happened months ago, so my anger is nearly gone.  I am just sad and broken.
I have fibromyalgia and from what I just read, it won’t matter that I go to school because I am going to forget it all anyway.  When people have FMS their grey matter melts away.  I am looking at pissing my diaper by the time I am 60 and I won’t lie, that one is a bit more difficult to get over.

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It would be different if my partner in life (husband) would be supportive, but no such luck.  He refuses to do more research and insists that I am wrong.  Others just tell me that if I do brain exercises it will help.

The thing is, I read the articles, I did he research and I am screwed.  I wanted to leave my house.  I wanted to walk away so that they don’t have to watch me lose my fucking mind.  I got screamed at, that I was selfish.  I am not so sure that I cannot be selfish here..  I am losing my fucking mind.  How many hugs do you think my husband gave me?  One..  One fucking hug and I had to ask him for it.

I don’t have anyone to turn to.  No one wants to talk about a thing that is so terrifying.  No one wants to know that I am losing it, mostly because they are so scared that it might happen to them, I suppose.

I am close to suicide every minute of every day.  I don’t want to shit my pants.  I don’t want some stranger wiping my ass for me.  I can’t.  I won’t.  I don’t know what the answer is yet, but dammit, regardless of what it is, I will make this stop.  I refuse to live in a diaper.   When the very people screaming at me not to go, I wonder how they would feel if they were in my shit filled velcro shoes.

I am only 40 years old.  Fuck me…  I gave my life to my family and my kids and my husband and now I am mostly alone in the knowledge that I am losing it because no one wants to talk about it.

I am up in the air when it comes to making a decision.  I know that I am losing my shit now that I know the truth about FMS.  I have to try and calm, down and make a decent decision.  I love my family so much, but I know that all they want is the old Tammie back.  I wish she existed.

 

 

 

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2 responses »

  1. To quote your bio: “Fibromyalgia is not the end of your life, it is just the end of your life as you know it. Life is still sweet, and we all have something to live for.”

    I know it’s tough. I live with the knowledge that having RA makes me 50% more likely to have a heart attack or stroke than someone else my age. I know I’ll be deformed and potentially bedridden by the time I’m 40. It’s scary as shit. BUT there’s so much to enjoy now in this moment, and worrying about the future will rob me (and you!) of that. I stopped reading the articles online and have decided that I’m better off being ignorant.

    It feels lonely when no one around you understands. Just remember that you really aren’t alone, and that you putting this all in writing probably helped a complete stranger to not feel alone.

    I battled serious depression recently. I decided that every day I would write down one good thing that happened or one thing that made me smile, no matter how small or stupid it seemed. If that thing was “I made it out of bed today and changed my clothes,” that was an accomplishment! At the end of the week I’d look at my list to remind me to keep going. I don’t know if this would help you, but it might be worth a shot.

    Keep fighting girl. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

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