I have scared the shit out of myself lately.  I have no idea what is wrong.  I have gone from bring a positive person, looking for my next adventure, to attempting suicide.  Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t that but well, I did it.

I have a psych appointment this morning.  I wish I could think of words to describe how I feel.  Hopeless..

I told my mother that I am losing my mind.  Literally, my grey matter is going.  This is a fact.  She told me that she didn’t believe me and that there was no way that was happening to me.  She may as well as have told me that she didn’t give two shits that I am going through the roughest time in my life so far.

All I wanted was a fucking hug.  My kids hugged me.  My hubby didn’t hug me, until I asked for one.  I get that this is huge news and that it is hard for others to accept, but the thing is, it is real.  I am going to be shitting myself by the time I am 60

Suicide isn’t all that crazy if you think about it..  I will not be laid up with some person wiping my ass for me.  I am losing my mind.  Suicide seems the only answer..  it’s the only way that I can save myself from the humiliation that comes with Alzheimer.

This is not a cry for help, no one can help me.  This is a scream.  I am giving up.  This is an unfamiliar feeling here.  I need my brain.  I want to shit in a toilet.  I don’t want anyone wiping my ass.

What fucking choice do I have?

Since I found out I have woken up every morning and I am sad that I woke up..  I want to just stay asleep.

If you read this, it isn’t about my issues, those I am taking care of on my own.  That said, if you come across someone else that is struggling like I am please, for the love of all things you hold dear, HUG the person.  Our lives are ending and we just want a fucking hug,.




About Phoenix Rose

I am a fibromyalgia warrior. I was forced to quit my job, and I spent two years in bed trying to stop my heart with my mind. TWO YEARS. I spend so much time working on this blog because maybe I can prevent just one person from giving up, then I will have considered it a job well done. I am attending university to gain my bachelor's degree in both sociology and psychology. Fibromyalgia is not the end of your life, it is just the end of your life as you know it. Life is still sweet, and we all have something to live for. I am attending University online.. Psychology and Sociology double major. I am not selling a damn thing, I am only writing with raw honesty about this affliction that has forced me to find out just who I am now. Version 2.0 if you will. I know that I went through Marine Corp boot camp and nothing we did there was more difficult than what I now face. I talk about my journey, maybe you read some of my stuff and realize you aren't alone... that is a start. Live, Love, and Fight.

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