Ok. One day while I was on Christmas vacation I read an article on my phone. It was titled “Fibromyalgia and aging” so I wondered what I was in for and I read it. Thing is, it talked about our grey matter in our brains. It wasn’t about aging and what fibro does. It was about how our brains are aging. Everyone loses grey matter, we lose it at a rate that is 3.5 times faster than healthy people.
I tried to off myself. I thought that this is it. Here I am fighting this nightmare of a condition every single day and now I find out that I am going to end up like my grandmother.. only WAY earlier than it hit her. I spent days in a mental hospital and they let me come home. I am no longer a suicide risk.
How have I dealt with it since? Well.. I really haven’t. It’s still there. This huge fact that I can’t even talk to anyone about because it is too awful and no one knows what to say. It’s like when someone dies.. what can you say? Sorry? That sucks? None of those things seem right. Certainly, none of them help.
I have to help myself. I have to stop the damaging thoughts. I have to remember that this is out of my hands and I have years left. I can spend those years freaking out about losing my shit or I can spend them having as much fun as I can possibly have . I chose the second.
I don’t have to worry about damaging my brain.. it’s doing that all on it’s own. That is freeing.
Here is the thing. I don’t want anyone who reads this to get to the point that I was at. Maybe this will make you cry. Maybe it will blow your mind, or maybe you already knew. Either way, DO NOT let this make you suicidal. First of all, it’s a lot harder than you think to commit suicide. Secondly, it is selfish as hell and you should look forward to the times ahead. It can be happy. You can have fun.. you just have to figure out how fun can happen around your symptoms.
I have noticed when my brain fog is bad I am easier on myself about it. Fuck it.. I forgot words, or that I had something cooking in the oven.. at least I am still functional.. if not highly functional.. I still got it.
Never forget that every single day counts. I have had writers block because this is the story that wanted to come out. I had to write and share this because we should all know everything we can possibly know about this fucking shit we call fibromyalgia.
I didn’t want to write this, because I don’t want to do to someone what I did to myself. Please don’t go there. I won’t say some shit like, “you have so much to live for” because let’s be honest, it sucks to live with this shit. On the other hand, I love my life and you can love yours too, you simply have to work it. Do what you can when you can.
Change your expectations of yourself. You aren’t the same and it is okay. You rock just like you are and all you have to do is let yourself know that.
I love you all and please feel free to message me if you wanna chat.