I hurt so Badly. Why Can’t you be Kind?

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I hurt so Badly.  Why Can’t you be Kind?

Hello fellow warriors and friends.  I write this today as a result of the things that went on yesterday here at my house.  I live in the country, with grass and hills that make even a walk outside impossible.  I can go outside and sit on my porch (I am right now) but I can’t go anywhere else because I still don’t have my car.  I am miserable and getting worse by the day.  Yesterday I broke.

They are trying.  See, I live with men.  Two sons and a husband.  They are trying to get our other two vehicles on the road but because of how expensive that is in Pennsylvania it is taking months before we have the money.   So, I am stuck here.  I have been for years.

I don’t complain much.  According to my husband, I am some sort of crazy person who loses my shit all the time.  Same with my oldest son.  The things is, though, is that I do not.  Yesterday I cried because I am so sad and miserable and I have been trying to hide it from everyone, especially myself. The problem is that every time I have a feeling about something I am “crazy”.

I have been binge watching television.  That is about it.  I cruise around my laptop to facebook and reddit.  I have been desperately trying to distract myself, to no avail.  I still feel like a miserable lump.

Now, I know that there are a lot of women with fibro who have no one.  Or whose husbands are just horribly mean and abusive..  No way is my situation worse, or even as bad as that.  But the reality is, is that everyone has their own demons; they have their own struggle.  My struggle is that my husband has no compassion.

He admits that he has none.  When I was crying yesterday because I am so miserable, sore, and bored he got mad at me.  He gets angry when I cry.  He is never sweet, or caring.  In those dark moments I am on my own.  It would be easier if I didn’t know for a fact that he is capable of it.

This is not to say he doesn’t help in other ways.  He is wonderful.  Him and the boys do their own laundry, they help with dishes.  I know that for the most part I am blessed.  I make sure he knows I feel that way nearly every day.  I do NOT take that for granted.

But the dark times?  The really dark times, when I feel like I am slipping again.  When I am wondering if I still want to live at all?  In those moments I need him the most and he is just angry.  I told him he couldn’t understand what it is like to be housebound and that made him mad too.  He won’t help me because I said that.  That is the excuse this time.  Of course he can’t understand, he has NEVER been housebound.  I don’t understand what he does at work every day..  at all..  how can this be the reason your shutting me out and hurting me worse?

I don’t know if anyone will read this..  I just needed to get it out.  I am so sad and I want my husband to hug me when I cry..  how is that too much to ask?

So, right now I am broken.  I am desperately trying to pick up a craft or color, but then I just don’t..  I keep doing the same thing..  over and over.

I am really angry with myself.  I am angry at so many things.  I am pissed that I cannot walk around my own lawn.  I miss my old life sometimes.  These are the reasons that I am freaking out.  This is permanent and dammit, I am going to suffer and break and I need my partner to help me put myself back together again.

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About Phoenix Rose

I am a fibromyalgia warrior. I was forced to quit my job, and I spent two years in bed trying to stop my heart with my mind. TWO YEARS. I spend so much time working on this blog because maybe I can prevent just one person from giving up, then I will have considered it a job well done. I am attending university to gain my bachelor's degree in both sociology and psychology. Fibromyalgia is not the end of your life, it is just the end of your life as you know it. Life is still sweet, and we all have something to live for. I am attending University online.. Psychology and Sociology double major. I am not selling a damn thing, I am only writing with raw honesty about this affliction that has forced me to find out just who I am now. Version 2.0 if you will. I know that I went through Marine Corp boot camp and nothing we did there was more difficult than what I now face. I talk about my journey, maybe you read some of my stuff and realize you aren't alone... that is a start. Live, Love, and Fight.

One response »

  1. I read your blog with tears blurring my vision.I have been in bed for approx a month, feeling like someone clubbed my S1 joint with a bat.No RX’s touch the pain.My husband sat on the bed next to me as I laid in my frozen fetal position & asked me what he could do to help me feel better.He is already doing it all…cooking, cleaning, laundry…all that to keep our world moving… as he battles cancer, 2 knee replacements, rotator cuff repairs , & severe lower lumbar disc compressions.I’m a nurse. Or was one. I can’t even take care of myself, never mind pulling an 8 hr. shift.Anyway, he told me he was worried about me. That he was “watching me disappear” before his eyes.I barely talk, & when I do I sound mean & I know it.But I can’t help it. It’s how I feel.Anger has gotten the best of me so I avoid phone calls from all my friends who have a life. A life where I once was included. Road trips, vacations, rafting down the river, snowmobiling,lap swimming for an hour. My former life. The life I long for. The life I mourn.My present life means nothing now. I feel like a ghost.I’ve lost all interest in food. Who cares about food when pain is overwhelming? I thought of asking my husband to take me to a Psych Center, but I don’t want to scare him.He suffers from PTSD from being a Marine tanker in Vietnam & saw & did terrible things.I hate to see the worry & confusion in his eyes.He tells me I am everything to him & if I ever died before him he wouldn’t know what to do.But he does not grasp depression.No, I promise him, it is not your fault, you didn’t do anything. My life sucks.It fucking sucks big time.I also live in PA in the mountains. Key word ” mountains”.I used to love it here.We had people come & stay for days, eating, drinking, flopped all over… the city mice visiting the country mice.No one comes over anymore.We live in a morgue.We actually went to Fla mid March. We both were pushed in wheelchairs to the entrance of the plane ! Goin’ in style ! We could’ve never humped our carry- on bags to the gate. Our Pain Mgt. MD suggested that we move somewhere warm where we’d feel better.We rented a condo on the beach. It was magical ! I was transformed ! We both felt no pain. We swam in the ocean, pool, went to a Tiki bar & out to eat all the time ! How could this be ? I felt like I had bathed in Holy Water ! A miracle !! When I felt my back balking, we ordered pizza in.Ironically it was from ” Heavenly Pizza” ! HA !! So, I have an appt with my Psych Thurs. but I am already at the max dose of Lamictal 300 mg daily. What’s next ? Electric shock therapy ? My husband suggested we walk up & down the street. I don’t want to. I hurt. Physically & mentally.I can’t muster up enough energy to get into the shower. Did I brush my teeth today ? Or was that yesterday ? What day IS it today ? My mind is shot. I used to love to read. Now I can’t remember shit. I end up reading the same page repeatedly.Thanks for hearing me.I know you ” get it”. Like Phoenix Rose, I also know that MANY women have it worse off than I do ! I have no young children. I do not have to push myself out the door to work everyday. I have only been really suffering like this for 12 yrs. I feel guilty complaining when in many ways I am blessed.

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