It’s not like when I was in middle school and really hated myself. It’s more like I have all these things that are broken and don’t work. I am a hot mess a lot of the time. I hate that aspect of myself.
My fellow warriors, you may not hear my body screaming, but I know you know what I mean. Even when I am having a good day my body is still screaming. I write, so surely my vocabulary is varied enough.. but no. I have tried to think of better ways to describe what it is like and I simply cannot. My body is like a toddler throwing a damn fit.
I am surrounded by crafts and coloring books and computers and my Chromebook. I have no right to feel bad or bored or complain about my situation. Tons of people have it so much worse, and truly I don’t forget about that. Ever. Except I think that we are allowed to complain as well.
My husband doesn’t like it when I need him. I am at a really low point lately and I simply don’t know even what is wrong. I need a hug and a pat on the head, but he doesn’t “do” that. I love him, don’t get me wrong.. this is a thing I accept about him, but it is really trying at times.
Every single day I tell myself, today I will color a picture. Then I end up binge watching a show and I don’t.
Every day I tell myself that I will write. No matter what. Then, guess that happens? You got it… TV shows.
Every single day I say I will make one piece of jewelry.. Not a shocker.. I don’t.
I am in a huge rut and I don’t have it in me to pretend like I am happy anymore, at the moment. I am OKAY most of the time. I pretend for 90 percent of it that I am happy but truly my body is screaming and I am miserable.
This post is about ranting, but it is also to point out that we need to hit these lows at times. I think it is healthy for us to express these feelings. Surely keeping them hidden is horrible and difficult.
I never feel pretty… well almost never. I know this post is all over the place, but fibro is all over the place so I know you can keep up. I had my friends dye my dreadlocks blue and purple and I feel pretty for the first time in SO long. I don’t remember the last time.
So, am I telling you to color your hair blue? No, but you should certainly do something outside your comfort zone.
My current goal in life is to do things as often as possible that make me uncomfortable and then write about them. That is my new project and I am going to do it dammit… I am.. I have stopped watching shows for the moment.. but I have found a video game I might be getting addicted to.
So, stay tuned and I will see you soon.