Fibromyalgia Makes me Hate Myself

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Fibromyalgia Makes me Hate Myself

It’s not like when I was in middle school and really hated myself.  It’s more like I have all these things that are broken and don’t work.  I am a hot mess a lot of the time.  I hate that aspect of myself.

My fellow warriors, you may not hear my body screaming, but I know you know what I mean.  Even when I am having a good day my body is still screaming.  I write, so surely my vocabulary is varied enough..  but no.  I have tried to think of better ways to describe what it is like and I simply cannot.  My body is like a toddler throwing a damn fit.

I am surrounded by crafts and coloring books and  computers and my Chromebook.  I have no right to feel bad or bored or complain about my situation.  Tons of people have it so much worse, and truly I don’t forget about that.  Ever.  Except I think that we are allowed to complain as well.

My husband doesn’t like it when I need him.  I am at a really low point lately and I simply don’t know even what is wrong.  I need a hug and a pat on the head, but he doesn’t “do” that.  I love him, don’t get me wrong..  this is a thing I accept about him, but it is really trying at times.

Every single day I tell myself, today I will color a picture.  Then I end up binge watching a show and I don’t.

Every day I tell myself that I will write.  No matter what.  Then, guess that happens?  You got it…  TV shows.

Every single day I say I will make one piece of jewelry..  Not a shocker..  I don’t.

I am in a huge rut and I don’t have it in me to pretend like I am happy anymore, at the moment.  I am OKAY most of the time.  I pretend for 90 percent of it that I am happy but truly my body is screaming and I am miserable.

This post is about ranting, but it is also to point out that we need to hit these lows at times.  I think it is healthy for us to express these feelings.  Surely keeping them hidden is horrible and difficult.

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I never feel pretty…  well almost never.  I know this post is all over the place, but fibro is all over the place so I know you can keep up.  I had my friends dye my dreadlocks blue and purple and I feel pretty for the first time in SO long.  I don’t remember the last time.

So, am I telling you to color your hair blue?  No, but you should certainly do something outside your comfort zone.

My current goal in life is to do things as often as possible that make me uncomfortable and then write about them.  That is my new project and I am going to do it dammit…  I am..  I have stopped watching shows for the moment..  but I have found a video game I might be getting addicted to.

So, stay tuned and I will see you soon.

 

 

 

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About Phoenix Rose

I am a fibromyalgia warrior. I was forced to quit my job, and I spent two years in bed trying to stop my heart with my mind. TWO YEARS. I spend so much time working on this blog because maybe I can prevent just one person from giving up, then I will have considered it a job well done. I am attending university to gain my bachelor's degree in both sociology and psychology. Fibromyalgia is not the end of your life, it is just the end of your life as you know it. Life is still sweet, and we all have something to live for. I am attending University online.. Psychology and Sociology double major. I am not selling a damn thing, I am only writing with raw honesty about this affliction that has forced me to find out just who I am now. Version 2.0 if you will. I know that I went through Marine Corp boot camp and nothing we did there was more difficult than what I now face. I talk about my journey, maybe you read some of my stuff and realize you aren't alone... that is a start. Live, Love, and Fight.

2 responses »

  1. You hit the nail on the head with not feeling pretty and your husband not liking you to need him. I don’t know how I do but I drive an hour each way to work and work in a call center for 8-10 hrs 5-6 days a week. I go minute by minute sometimes willing myself to not give in too the pain. I cannot stop working. My husband gets disability and that covers some things but not near enough. I do not know what will happen when I can no longer will myself to work. I have gained so much weight from meds and stress eating I feel horrible and ugly. I just wanted you to know how much it means for someone to understand how I feel. I am more unhappy than I have ever been in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, your goal has been accomplished. I AM that one person who felt completely alone. As if nobody else in this universe knew what I had to put myself through to just do the simple things I took for granted for so long…like taking a shower or doing household chores. Having fibro has contributed to my marriage falling apart and I was beginning to wonder if this world might not just be better off without me in it. Then I read this and now I know I’m not alone. Thank you for that. I look forward to reading more
    Holly S.

    Liked by 1 person

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