Category Archives: kids

You Only Have 18 Years to Raise Your Children. Don’t Waste Those Precious Moments Worried About a Condition

Standard
You Only Have 18 Years to Raise Your Children.  Don’t Waste Those Precious Moments Worried About a Condition

Please read this one…  I felt a bit odd when I wrote it, like it wasn’t just me writing it… My Muse was strong for me today.

I realize that I have written before about kids and how fibro effects them.  As a mother, the amount of guilt I felt at the fact that I wasn’t healthy like the other moms crushed me.  I constantly tried to be more involved.  I constantly tried to do more with them.  I wanted to be the healthy mom that I thought my kids deserved.  My boys are 17 and 19 now and they have told me they didn’t mind it that I was sick.  They wanted me with them.  They want me in their life just like I am.  I’m working real hard on believing it.

With fibromyalgia I still managed to raise two amazing, successful men.  Did I cast a spell?  No.  I figured out that time spent together is more precious than anything else I can imagine.  I bet that right now you are thinking “yeah right! How did she find the time?”

See, quality time with your kids is simply time with your kids.  You don’t need to take them places or do expensive things with them.  Stay home.  Watch a movie together.  As long as you are togehter you are accomplishing your goal.

I remember ruined trips to fairs and carnivals and malls and restaurants..  well you get the idea.  I thought that to prove I was okay I needed to pretend that I was ok.  This is not only false, it is dangerous to your relationships.

Pretending you are ok will most certainly make you worse.  I just attempted suicide because I pretended that I was ok.  Obviously I wasn’t.

Kids are not stupid.  They can tell that something is wrong.  Be honest.  The only thing scarier than having a sick mom is having one that won’t tell you what it is.

There is a fine line that we ride every minute of every day.  Always wondering how much we should let them know.  Are we failing as mothers because we can’t run?  Are we failing as mothers because it is difficult for us to make plans?

My youngest son is a senior this year.  He was the drum major.  He was the lead in the play Les Miserables.  Jean Valjean.  He is in 4 AP classes and has a 4.0 GPA.  He does model UN.  He made it into county chorus.

My other son is the opposite of Ian.  Shelby is 19 and he works on cars.  He is very good at what he does and could write a book with what he knows about cars.  His eye for design is unparalleled and he is going to accomplish amazing things.  He is driven and focused and all this while dealing with ADD with no medication.  Amazing.

SEE?  They are both just fine.  My opinion?  Better than fine.  Oh yeah, and Ian?  He gets his Eagle Scout soon and created the STEM program that the scout camp uses to teach the kids science and technology when they come to camp.

I had three child development classes.  Your kids need you.  They don’t need toys or computers or cars, they need you.  It Doesn’t matter that there is a version of you that hurts and needs to rest because ultimately YOU are there.  It is only scary if you don’t explain what is going on.  They understand a lot more than you think.

My youngest graduates high school this year.  He is a super brainy genius and a lot of the Ivory league schools are after him.  Obviously, having a sick mom didn’t ruin his life; matter of fact I was able to be here with him every second that I can because I know that my time with him is ticking down.

My other kid does body and mechanical work on cars.  His eye for design is stunning and I see big things for him.  Thank goodness he doesn’t mind staying at home.  I don’t think I could handle an empty nest.

I gave those examples because I have fibro.  I hid, I was insane, I yelled, I stopped going out, I stopped seeing friends.  I laid in my bed and wanted to die for 2 years.  I hate that I could have spent at least a little of that time with my kids.

One day though?  One day you will look back over your life with your kids.  My memories are glorious.  We did what I could handle, I didn’t have any pity parties for my pain, we picked things that we could do and what do ya know?  Firstly, I am much better at getting around.  I love time playing my drum when we play music.  I am gloriously happy in my life.

 

The most important nugget that I want to leave with you is this.

RULES

BE GENUINELY HAPPY

I am gloriously happy most of the time.  I didn’t used to be.  I have had to learn how to stay happy.  I figured, why waste time looking all pissed off and wrinkled?  Life is way too short not to smile all the time.  Even if your teeth are kind of bad.

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD

you are not dying.  Yes it hurts.  Suck it up.  Your kid deserves the best you can give them

KEEP IT SMALL AND SIMPLE

Don’t go to Hershey park or a concert.  Stick with things that you can do

REMEMBER THE BRAIN FOG

There is no reason not to have a helper with you when you go out for the day.  I get do confused sometimes, a good road dawg is important

USE COMMON SENSE

I know that it sucks to have go think of all the extra crap you need when you are going somewhere because of the fibro.  I suggest you just deal and don’t let it upset you.  I have no solution for this, we need a lot of stuff because well, because fibro.

Important to note here that when you are getting your stuff ready to go and you find yourself getting confused, call your road dawg (friend).  When I call mine I tell her it is a Sanity Check

REMEMBER TO LIVE OUTSIDE YOUR OWN BODY

Our bodies can betray us and cause us to feel as though we are in a battle with our own soul.  The pain etc; that we have to endure is unthinkable to most people.  Yet here we are.

This is a constant battle for me.  Trying to live without thinking about my physical condition as all times.  It is a fight I actually win every single day because I beat it.  I am in charge of what and how I think.

I am happy to be with my kids in the time I have left with them.  No matter the ages of yours, spend the time.  Get to know them.  Learn how to play Halo.   You will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not.

This is NOT hard

The clock is ticking, one day they will be gone .  What will your memories look like?

You have the fight.. You can lift a mountain, if you needed to, to make sure that your kids are happy and feeling safe.

Advertisements

Starting Over…

Image

This is the hardest thing I have had to do in my entire life.  A lot of these posts were made while I was in school.  Well, school fucked me over so I cannot finish my 20 credits it will take to graduate.  They are calling me wanting money and frankly that pisses me off.

Whatever you do, do NOT and I repeat NOT attend a for profit college, they will rip you off.  Not by hundreds of dollars, but by 10,000 dollars…  From nowhere.  All of a sudden I owed this money and no one at the school will speak to me.  Shocker.

This happened months ago, so my anger is nearly gone.  I am just sad and broken.
I have fibromyalgia and from what I just read, it won’t matter that I go to school because I am going to forget it all anyway.  When people have FMS their grey matter melts away.  I am looking at pissing my diaper by the time I am 60 and I won’t lie, that one is a bit more difficult to get over.

534579_374398042644746_1790714050_n

It would be different if my partner in life (husband) would be supportive, but no such luck.  He refuses to do more research and insists that I am wrong.  Others just tell me that if I do brain exercises it will help.

The thing is, I read the articles, I did he research and I am screwed.  I wanted to leave my house.  I wanted to walk away so that they don’t have to watch me lose my fucking mind.  I got screamed at, that I was selfish.  I am not so sure that I cannot be selfish here..  I am losing my fucking mind.  How many hugs do you think my husband gave me?  One..  One fucking hug and I had to ask him for it.

I don’t have anyone to turn to.  No one wants to talk about a thing that is so terrifying.  No one wants to know that I am losing it, mostly because they are so scared that it might happen to them, I suppose.

I am close to suicide every minute of every day.  I don’t want to shit my pants.  I don’t want some stranger wiping my ass for me.  I can’t.  I won’t.  I don’t know what the answer is yet, but dammit, regardless of what it is, I will make this stop.  I refuse to live in a diaper.   When the very people screaming at me not to go, I wonder how they would feel if they were in my shit filled velcro shoes.

I am only 40 years old.  Fuck me…  I gave my life to my family and my kids and my husband and now I am mostly alone in the knowledge that I am losing it because no one wants to talk about it.

I am up in the air when it comes to making a decision.  I know that I am losing my shit now that I know the truth about FMS.  I have to try and calm, down and make a decent decision.  I love my family so much, but I know that all they want is the old Tammie back.  I wish she existed.

 

 

 

I Want to Start a Commune for People With Fibromyalgia as we are the Only ones that get it.

Standard

I have several topics I wanted to cover today.  I have started taking my notebook with me everywhere so look out warriors…  I have a lot to talk about.  Today I want to talk about injuring yourself and your relationship with your family.  This is obviously two very different topics, but they run together in my mind.

First, injuries.  I fell last thursday and rolled my ankle really bad.  I stood up, added it to the mental pain that I ignore, and continued on my merry way.  See, as you warriors know, we live in such extreme pain all the time, the new stuff doesn’t even phase us.  (mostly)  This is dangerous and we need to be careful.

11885300_10207808343312811_474978648581995673_n

I hate the doctor, I know you hate the doctor.  I LOVE my doctor, but I still hate going.  luckily I have a good one.  Now, my ankle kept swelling and wasn’t getting better at all.  I went to Xray and it isn’t broken but it is on of those sprains that are worse than a break.

If I had listened to the voice in my head, the one saying “Meh, add it to the list” I would have had another body part that hurts forever and warriors, dammit if we don’t have enough of those.  So, even if you feel like an ass hole, GO TO the DOCTOR..  You can prevent new pain if you just go.

FAMILY TIME

Now, I am giving advice that took me years of fights and pain and anger and hurt feelings.  Hopefully, you will listen to this advice and it will resonate enough with you to make a difference.

When you get fibromyalgia you are like a leaf blowing around down the street with absolutely no idea where it is going or what it is going.  All the medical texts in the world do not help.  Trust me, I have a bachelor degree in psychology and I can explain what goes on in your brain, but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand.

Thing is though, you can live with it.  You can learn that even though you feel like your body is a giant wrecking ball of anxiety you can find a way.  I did and if I did, anyone can.  I should add I have horrible days.  I am NOT better, I just handle it in a way that works for me.

download (1)

I cannot explain why in the beginning everything is fucking terrifying.  I remember my husband making me take my son places because he figured that if I drove I wouldn’t be scared any more.  He was so very very wrong.  Not being able to deal with arguments from your kids…  damn, that needs a new paragraph.

Before you reach a place of acceptance your kids are going to drive you crazy.  Deal the best way you know how.  I would try to talk, that is what always worked for me. But once the fibro was bad I couldn’t make the right words come out.  It felt like I was speaking Arabic and they were speaking english.

That was when I ran away and stayed in my room.  I was not effective as a mother and that made me die inside, but they were better off that I hid until I got my self back..  well the new self that is.

The same thing can happen with your husband.  It is impossible at times to make the words in your head come out of your mouth.  I type..  it is why I write.  I can write fast enough to keep up with my brain.  When I try to have a conversation I find myself stumbling over words and if I am angry it is even worse.

If you start having the conversation with your loved ones and you find yourself saying “I just don’t understand” a lot, walk away, nothing is going to get accomplished in that conversation..  Trust me I have tried..  bad idea..  walk away.  Explain, you are not turning your back forever, you just need some time to cool down.

When this is happening, walk away.  I know that we should not walk away from arguments, but they were not talking about fibro.  Take a minute, type out what you are trying to say.  I should add, this was the absolute hardest part of my journey.  Learning how to communicate with my loved ones was a long arduous process, but you can do it.

Now, to the pain and talking about fibro and what you can’t do..  do other things.  On your own. try things with your family, plan outings where you are going to be able to sit down or rest.  There are a million things you can still do.  I promise.

I went to Artscape in Baltimore on the hottest weekend we have had all summer.  I had my cane.  I sat a lot.  I was very hot, but I swore before we got out of the car that I WAS doing this.  I WAS going to have a good time. I had a blast.  3 miles that day, with a LOT of water, shade, and breaks..  but not only did I do it, I had a really good time.

11705201_10206147035488366_912412971725811515_n

Live, love, and fight for your life, you can still have one.

live_love_fight_postcard-r7fadd524e8ea4c63be157b1d155ce2cc_vgbaq_8byvr_324