Hello fellow warriors and friends. I write this today as a result of the things that went on yesterday here at my house. I live in the country, with grass and hills that make even a walk outside impossible. I can go outside and sit on my porch (I am right now) but I can’t go anywhere else because I still don’t have my car. I am miserable and getting worse by the day. Yesterday I broke.
They are trying. See, I live with men. Two sons and a husband. They are trying to get our other two vehicles on the road but because of how expensive that is in Pennsylvania it is taking months before we have the money. So, I am stuck here. I have been for years.
I don’t complain much. According to my husband, I am some sort of crazy person who loses my shit all the time. Same with my oldest son. The things is, though, is that I do not. Yesterday I cried because I am so sad and miserable and I have been trying to hide it from everyone, especially myself. The problem is that every time I have a feeling about something I am “crazy”.
I have been binge watching television. That is about it. I cruise around my laptop to facebook and reddit. I have been desperately trying to distract myself, to no avail. I still feel like a miserable lump.
Now, I know that there are a lot of women with fibro who have no one. Or whose husbands are just horribly mean and abusive.. No way is my situation worse, or even as bad as that. But the reality is, is that everyone has their own demons; they have their own struggle. My struggle is that my husband has no compassion.
He admits that he has none. When I was crying yesterday because I am so miserable, sore, and bored he got mad at me. He gets angry when I cry. He is never sweet, or caring. In those dark moments I am on my own. It would be easier if I didn’t know for a fact that he is capable of it.
This is not to say he doesn’t help in other ways. He is wonderful. Him and the boys do their own laundry, they help with dishes. I know that for the most part I am blessed. I make sure he knows I feel that way nearly every day. I do NOT take that for granted.
But the dark times? The really dark times, when I feel like I am slipping again. When I am wondering if I still want to live at all? In those moments I need him the most and he is just angry. I told him he couldn’t understand what it is like to be housebound and that made him mad too. He won’t help me because I said that. That is the excuse this time. Of course he can’t understand, he has NEVER been housebound. I don’t understand what he does at work every day.. at all.. how can this be the reason your shutting me out and hurting me worse?
I don’t know if anyone will read this.. I just needed to get it out. I am so sad and I want my husband to hug me when I cry.. how is that too much to ask?
So, right now I am broken. I am desperately trying to pick up a craft or color, but then I just don’t.. I keep doing the same thing.. over and over.
I am really angry with myself. I am angry at so many things. I am pissed that I cannot walk around my own lawn. I miss my old life sometimes. These are the reasons that I am freaking out. This is permanent and dammit, I am going to suffer and break and I need my partner to help me put myself back together again.