Category Archives: Not Good Enough

I hurt so Badly. Why Can’t you be Kind?

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I hurt so Badly.  Why Can’t you be Kind?

Hello fellow warriors and friends.  I write this today as a result of the things that went on yesterday here at my house.  I live in the country, with grass and hills that make even a walk outside impossible.  I can go outside and sit on my porch (I am right now) but I can’t go anywhere else because I still don’t have my car.  I am miserable and getting worse by the day.  Yesterday I broke.

They are trying.  See, I live with men.  Two sons and a husband.  They are trying to get our other two vehicles on the road but because of how expensive that is in Pennsylvania it is taking months before we have the money.   So, I am stuck here.  I have been for years.

I don’t complain much.  According to my husband, I am some sort of crazy person who loses my shit all the time.  Same with my oldest son.  The things is, though, is that I do not.  Yesterday I cried because I am so sad and miserable and I have been trying to hide it from everyone, especially myself. The problem is that every time I have a feeling about something I am “crazy”.

I have been binge watching television.  That is about it.  I cruise around my laptop to facebook and reddit.  I have been desperately trying to distract myself, to no avail.  I still feel like a miserable lump.

Now, I know that there are a lot of women with fibro who have no one.  Or whose husbands are just horribly mean and abusive..  No way is my situation worse, or even as bad as that.  But the reality is, is that everyone has their own demons; they have their own struggle.  My struggle is that my husband has no compassion.

He admits that he has none.  When I was crying yesterday because I am so miserable, sore, and bored he got mad at me.  He gets angry when I cry.  He is never sweet, or caring.  In those dark moments I am on my own.  It would be easier if I didn’t know for a fact that he is capable of it.

This is not to say he doesn’t help in other ways.  He is wonderful.  Him and the boys do their own laundry, they help with dishes.  I know that for the most part I am blessed.  I make sure he knows I feel that way nearly every day.  I do NOT take that for granted.

But the dark times?  The really dark times, when I feel like I am slipping again.  When I am wondering if I still want to live at all?  In those moments I need him the most and he is just angry.  I told him he couldn’t understand what it is like to be housebound and that made him mad too.  He won’t help me because I said that.  That is the excuse this time.  Of course he can’t understand, he has NEVER been housebound.  I don’t understand what he does at work every day..  at all..  how can this be the reason your shutting me out and hurting me worse?

I don’t know if anyone will read this..  I just needed to get it out.  I am so sad and I want my husband to hug me when I cry..  how is that too much to ask?

So, right now I am broken.  I am desperately trying to pick up a craft or color, but then I just don’t..  I keep doing the same thing..  over and over.

I am really angry with myself.  I am angry at so many things.  I am pissed that I cannot walk around my own lawn.  I miss my old life sometimes.  These are the reasons that I am freaking out.  This is permanent and dammit, I am going to suffer and break and I need my partner to help me put myself back together again.

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On Women and Magic

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On Women and Magic

This one is for the Ladies

Ladies!  I just thought of something interesting and I must share it right away.

So..  We know that when we spend a lot of time around other women that our menstrual cycles line up.  Mostly when this comes up women treat the fact like it is old hat.  Admittedly, it is old hat but I think we should look more closely.

Biological clocks, periods, and other women.  We biologically do this thing with women simply because of their proximity.  I realized what a miracle this is.  I was then immediately touched by what this should mean on many other levels.

We have been taught by the media that we should look a certain way.  It’s hard to be a confident woman in the present day US of A.  We are inundated by images constantly.  The real shitty part is that they are doing that on purpose.  If they make you hate yourself enough you will buy whatever they are selling.

If only I could help women see that our magic..  our power.. Comes from sisterhood and working closely together.  It is like a superpower that we can literally link our bodies,  I want women thinking about that instead of losing another 5 pounds or having the right hair cut…

It Isn’t about being prettier than all the other girls in the bathroom; it’s about seeing her soul and cooperating with it in the best way you can.  We have the power and the magic to accomplish so much…

…I just wish I could make you all SEE the magic too

You Only Have 18 Years to Raise Your Children. Don’t Waste Those Precious Moments Worried About a Condition

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You Only Have 18 Years to Raise Your Children.  Don’t Waste Those Precious Moments Worried About a Condition

Please read this one…  I felt a bit odd when I wrote it, like it wasn’t just me writing it… My Muse was strong for me today.

I realize that I have written before about kids and how fibro effects them.  As a mother, the amount of guilt I felt at the fact that I wasn’t healthy like the other moms crushed me.  I constantly tried to be more involved.  I constantly tried to do more with them.  I wanted to be the healthy mom that I thought my kids deserved.  My boys are 17 and 19 now and they have told me they didn’t mind it that I was sick.  They wanted me with them.  They want me in their life just like I am.  I’m working real hard on believing it.

With fibromyalgia I still managed to raise two amazing, successful men.  Did I cast a spell?  No.  I figured out that time spent together is more precious than anything else I can imagine.  I bet that right now you are thinking “yeah right! How did she find the time?”

See, quality time with your kids is simply time with your kids.  You don’t need to take them places or do expensive things with them.  Stay home.  Watch a movie together.  As long as you are togehter you are accomplishing your goal.

I remember ruined trips to fairs and carnivals and malls and restaurants..  well you get the idea.  I thought that to prove I was okay I needed to pretend that I was ok.  This is not only false, it is dangerous to your relationships.

Pretending you are ok will most certainly make you worse.  I just attempted suicide because I pretended that I was ok.  Obviously I wasn’t.

Kids are not stupid.  They can tell that something is wrong.  Be honest.  The only thing scarier than having a sick mom is having one that won’t tell you what it is.

There is a fine line that we ride every minute of every day.  Always wondering how much we should let them know.  Are we failing as mothers because we can’t run?  Are we failing as mothers because it is difficult for us to make plans?

My youngest son is a senior this year.  He was the drum major.  He was the lead in the play Les Miserables.  Jean Valjean.  He is in 4 AP classes and has a 4.0 GPA.  He does model UN.  He made it into county chorus.

My other son is the opposite of Ian.  Shelby is 19 and he works on cars.  He is very good at what he does and could write a book with what he knows about cars.  His eye for design is unparalleled and he is going to accomplish amazing things.  He is driven and focused and all this while dealing with ADD with no medication.  Amazing.

SEE?  They are both just fine.  My opinion?  Better than fine.  Oh yeah, and Ian?  He gets his Eagle Scout soon and created the STEM program that the scout camp uses to teach the kids science and technology when they come to camp.

I had three child development classes.  Your kids need you.  They don’t need toys or computers or cars, they need you.  It Doesn’t matter that there is a version of you that hurts and needs to rest because ultimately YOU are there.  It is only scary if you don’t explain what is going on.  They understand a lot more than you think.

My youngest graduates high school this year.  He is a super brainy genius and a lot of the Ivory league schools are after him.  Obviously, having a sick mom didn’t ruin his life; matter of fact I was able to be here with him every second that I can because I know that my time with him is ticking down.

My other kid does body and mechanical work on cars.  His eye for design is stunning and I see big things for him.  Thank goodness he doesn’t mind staying at home.  I don’t think I could handle an empty nest.

I gave those examples because I have fibro.  I hid, I was insane, I yelled, I stopped going out, I stopped seeing friends.  I laid in my bed and wanted to die for 2 years.  I hate that I could have spent at least a little of that time with my kids.

One day though?  One day you will look back over your life with your kids.  My memories are glorious.  We did what I could handle, I didn’t have any pity parties for my pain, we picked things that we could do and what do ya know?  Firstly, I am much better at getting around.  I love time playing my drum when we play music.  I am gloriously happy in my life.

 

The most important nugget that I want to leave with you is this.

RULES

BE GENUINELY HAPPY

I am gloriously happy most of the time.  I didn’t used to be.  I have had to learn how to stay happy.  I figured, why waste time looking all pissed off and wrinkled?  Life is way too short not to smile all the time.  Even if your teeth are kind of bad.

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD

you are not dying.  Yes it hurts.  Suck it up.  Your kid deserves the best you can give them

KEEP IT SMALL AND SIMPLE

Don’t go to Hershey park or a concert.  Stick with things that you can do

REMEMBER THE BRAIN FOG

There is no reason not to have a helper with you when you go out for the day.  I get do confused sometimes, a good road dawg is important

USE COMMON SENSE

I know that it sucks to have go think of all the extra crap you need when you are going somewhere because of the fibro.  I suggest you just deal and don’t let it upset you.  I have no solution for this, we need a lot of stuff because well, because fibro.

Important to note here that when you are getting your stuff ready to go and you find yourself getting confused, call your road dawg (friend).  When I call mine I tell her it is a Sanity Check

REMEMBER TO LIVE OUTSIDE YOUR OWN BODY

Our bodies can betray us and cause us to feel as though we are in a battle with our own soul.  The pain etc; that we have to endure is unthinkable to most people.  Yet here we are.

This is a constant battle for me.  Trying to live without thinking about my physical condition as all times.  It is a fight I actually win every single day because I beat it.  I am in charge of what and how I think.

I am happy to be with my kids in the time I have left with them.  No matter the ages of yours, spend the time.  Get to know them.  Learn how to play Halo.   You will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not.

This is NOT hard

The clock is ticking, one day they will be gone .  What will your memories look like?

You have the fight.. You can lift a mountain, if you needed to, to make sure that your kids are happy and feeling safe.