Category Archives: Raising Humans

You Only Have 18 Years to Raise Your Children. Don’t Waste Those Precious Moments Worried About a Condition

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You Only Have 18 Years to Raise Your Children.  Don’t Waste Those Precious Moments Worried About a Condition

Please read this one…  I felt a bit odd when I wrote it, like it wasn’t just me writing it… My Muse was strong for me today.

I realize that I have written before about kids and how fibro effects them.  As a mother, the amount of guilt I felt at the fact that I wasn’t healthy like the other moms crushed me.  I constantly tried to be more involved.  I constantly tried to do more with them.  I wanted to be the healthy mom that I thought my kids deserved.  My boys are 17 and 19 now and they have told me they didn’t mind it that I was sick.  They wanted me with them.  They want me in their life just like I am.  I’m working real hard on believing it.

With fibromyalgia I still managed to raise two amazing, successful men.  Did I cast a spell?  No.  I figured out that time spent together is more precious than anything else I can imagine.  I bet that right now you are thinking “yeah right! How did she find the time?”

See, quality time with your kids is simply time with your kids.  You don’t need to take them places or do expensive things with them.  Stay home.  Watch a movie together.  As long as you are togehter you are accomplishing your goal.

I remember ruined trips to fairs and carnivals and malls and restaurants..  well you get the idea.  I thought that to prove I was okay I needed to pretend that I was ok.  This is not only false, it is dangerous to your relationships.

Pretending you are ok will most certainly make you worse.  I just attempted suicide because I pretended that I was ok.  Obviously I wasn’t.

Kids are not stupid.  They can tell that something is wrong.  Be honest.  The only thing scarier than having a sick mom is having one that won’t tell you what it is.

There is a fine line that we ride every minute of every day.  Always wondering how much we should let them know.  Are we failing as mothers because we can’t run?  Are we failing as mothers because it is difficult for us to make plans?

My youngest son is a senior this year.  He was the drum major.  He was the lead in the play Les Miserables.  Jean Valjean.  He is in 4 AP classes and has a 4.0 GPA.  He does model UN.  He made it into county chorus.

My other son is the opposite of Ian.  Shelby is 19 and he works on cars.  He is very good at what he does and could write a book with what he knows about cars.  His eye for design is unparalleled and he is going to accomplish amazing things.  He is driven and focused and all this while dealing with ADD with no medication.  Amazing.

SEE?  They are both just fine.  My opinion?  Better than fine.  Oh yeah, and Ian?  He gets his Eagle Scout soon and created the STEM program that the scout camp uses to teach the kids science and technology when they come to camp.

I had three child development classes.  Your kids need you.  They don’t need toys or computers or cars, they need you.  It Doesn’t matter that there is a version of you that hurts and needs to rest because ultimately YOU are there.  It is only scary if you don’t explain what is going on.  They understand a lot more than you think.

My youngest graduates high school this year.  He is a super brainy genius and a lot of the Ivory league schools are after him.  Obviously, having a sick mom didn’t ruin his life; matter of fact I was able to be here with him every second that I can because I know that my time with him is ticking down.

My other kid does body and mechanical work on cars.  His eye for design is stunning and I see big things for him.  Thank goodness he doesn’t mind staying at home.  I don’t think I could handle an empty nest.

I gave those examples because I have fibro.  I hid, I was insane, I yelled, I stopped going out, I stopped seeing friends.  I laid in my bed and wanted to die for 2 years.  I hate that I could have spent at least a little of that time with my kids.

One day though?  One day you will look back over your life with your kids.  My memories are glorious.  We did what I could handle, I didn’t have any pity parties for my pain, we picked things that we could do and what do ya know?  Firstly, I am much better at getting around.  I love time playing my drum when we play music.  I am gloriously happy in my life.

 

The most important nugget that I want to leave with you is this.

RULES

BE GENUINELY HAPPY

I am gloriously happy most of the time.  I didn’t used to be.  I have had to learn how to stay happy.  I figured, why waste time looking all pissed off and wrinkled?  Life is way too short not to smile all the time.  Even if your teeth are kind of bad.

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD

you are not dying.  Yes it hurts.  Suck it up.  Your kid deserves the best you can give them

KEEP IT SMALL AND SIMPLE

Don’t go to Hershey park or a concert.  Stick with things that you can do

REMEMBER THE BRAIN FOG

There is no reason not to have a helper with you when you go out for the day.  I get do confused sometimes, a good road dawg is important

USE COMMON SENSE

I know that it sucks to have go think of all the extra crap you need when you are going somewhere because of the fibro.  I suggest you just deal and don’t let it upset you.  I have no solution for this, we need a lot of stuff because well, because fibro.

Important to note here that when you are getting your stuff ready to go and you find yourself getting confused, call your road dawg (friend).  When I call mine I tell her it is a Sanity Check

REMEMBER TO LIVE OUTSIDE YOUR OWN BODY

Our bodies can betray us and cause us to feel as though we are in a battle with our own soul.  The pain etc; that we have to endure is unthinkable to most people.  Yet here we are.

This is a constant battle for me.  Trying to live without thinking about my physical condition as all times.  It is a fight I actually win every single day because I beat it.  I am in charge of what and how I think.

I am happy to be with my kids in the time I have left with them.  No matter the ages of yours, spend the time.  Get to know them.  Learn how to play Halo.   You will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not.

This is NOT hard

The clock is ticking, one day they will be gone .  What will your memories look like?

You have the fight.. You can lift a mountain, if you needed to, to make sure that your kids are happy and feeling safe.

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Starting Over…

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This is the hardest thing I have had to do in my entire life.  A lot of these posts were made while I was in school.  Well, school fucked me over so I cannot finish my 20 credits it will take to graduate.  They are calling me wanting money and frankly that pisses me off.

Whatever you do, do NOT and I repeat NOT attend a for profit college, they will rip you off.  Not by hundreds of dollars, but by 10,000 dollars…  From nowhere.  All of a sudden I owed this money and no one at the school will speak to me.  Shocker.

This happened months ago, so my anger is nearly gone.  I am just sad and broken.
I have fibromyalgia and from what I just read, it won’t matter that I go to school because I am going to forget it all anyway.  When people have FMS their grey matter melts away.  I am looking at pissing my diaper by the time I am 60 and I won’t lie, that one is a bit more difficult to get over.

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It would be different if my partner in life (husband) would be supportive, but no such luck.  He refuses to do more research and insists that I am wrong.  Others just tell me that if I do brain exercises it will help.

The thing is, I read the articles, I did he research and I am screwed.  I wanted to leave my house.  I wanted to walk away so that they don’t have to watch me lose my fucking mind.  I got screamed at, that I was selfish.  I am not so sure that I cannot be selfish here..  I am losing my fucking mind.  How many hugs do you think my husband gave me?  One..  One fucking hug and I had to ask him for it.

I don’t have anyone to turn to.  No one wants to talk about a thing that is so terrifying.  No one wants to know that I am losing it, mostly because they are so scared that it might happen to them, I suppose.

I am close to suicide every minute of every day.  I don’t want to shit my pants.  I don’t want some stranger wiping my ass for me.  I can’t.  I won’t.  I don’t know what the answer is yet, but dammit, regardless of what it is, I will make this stop.  I refuse to live in a diaper.   When the very people screaming at me not to go, I wonder how they would feel if they were in my shit filled velcro shoes.

I am only 40 years old.  Fuck me…  I gave my life to my family and my kids and my husband and now I am mostly alone in the knowledge that I am losing it because no one wants to talk about it.

I am up in the air when it comes to making a decision.  I know that I am losing my shit now that I know the truth about FMS.  I have to try and calm, down and make a decent decision.  I love my family so much, but I know that all they want is the old Tammie back.  I wish she existed.

 

 

 

I am not a Suicide Bomber, I am a Mother

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I am not a Suicide Bomber, I am a Mother

I am not a suicide bomber..  but I am a mother.  It is kind of the same thing.  In one, you strap a bomb to yourself and you die for a cause, you give all of yourself to the cause and you lose everything including your life.  Being a full time stay at home mother who has given nearly 18 full years to two humans has taken me away from myself.  I have been blown to bits in the wind, because now they don’t need me and without that job, what else is there?

To be fair, I have had severe fibromyalgia for 6 years.  It is tough overcoming having a sick mom.  I am digging myself out of a hole they can’t even see is there.  They know that I seem better, but of course they may never see the work I am doing on myself.  They might not even notice because they aren’t in a war with their own bodies every single day.

Much like a bomb would, they sometimes rip my heart out.  I literally threw myself on a gun to protect them.  This wasn’t even a week ago.  I am so used to putting everyone ahead of myself.  I was to be the only one shot that night because meh…  who cares about me?

I was just talking to my best friends, in a chat we have had for months and months on Facebook.  They reminded me that while it was what every mother would have done; it was a matter of myself feeling like the one with no worth, the one the world could do without.

I was upset, I am very scatter brained.  Then I realized that I had done it.  I had lost myself, because of guilt over an illness that is not my fault.  That doesn’t make any damn sense does it?  I did nothing to get Fibromyalgia, doctors don’t even know where it comes from.  Yet the guilt I feel has driven me below ground, feeling like my life is unimportant.  No…  no way, we gotta work on that one… IMMEDIATELY

I have worked hard to overcome this condition, I don’t care who notices, I don’t care that they don’t notice the work I have done on myself.  I simply have to remember that I do count.  That I am someone.

I need to create my own self worth again.  I need to find it.  I blog for fibromyalgia because I have figured stuff out..  I help people.  Every single day.  That is worth.

I say I hate money, yet because I bring none in, I let it steal my sense of self-worth.  I hate money and I don’t care if I never make another dime. It certainly should have nothing to do with my value.

Self-worth is knowing that you have an important mission in your life and maybe all mothers feel this ripping feeling when their kids are 18 and acting like ass holes.  Maybe all moms feel like, “holy shit, I gave my life to that human and they are hurting me and breaking my heart, I must have done something wrong”.

I am not a suicide bomber and I am not a pushover.  It may take a while to feel like I am worth something, but work on it I shall.  Watch out world, this bitch is just getting started.

Every mother needs to keep a locked box in her head, where she keeps herself.  Don’t lose yourself to your job, or your kids, or your partner..  It is really hard to get that self back once you let go.

 

Tough Love and Broken Hearts

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Tough Love and Broken Hearts

When I got sick, I got really selfish for a long time.  I didn’t mean to.  It truly wasn’t my fault.  The rug had been ripped from beneath my feet and it took me years to even find the edge of the rug again, let alone step back on it wearing flats and presenting as a new person.

I knew that I was selfish, and I tried.  I only missed one school thing, and that is because I was in surgery.

I am the only female in the household.  I “get into trouble” when I show emotions.  Because I live with boys, they assume if I show emotion that I am acting like a crazy person.

This is an issue that I still deal with.  We have come really far on a lot of other stuff, but this one thing..

Last night when the cop was here and I found out that I was being charged and the guy who had a gun on my family was getting charged with disorderly conduct.

To read this story click here

This is an absolute mockery of the judicial system.  Apparently, you can point a gun at someone’s head with your finger on the trigger threaten to shoot them dead in the middle of the street and get a citation..  I was furious for a few minutes.  I was literally holding onto my head when she told me, because of his actions I have PTSD on top of the fibromyalgia.  I can’t move my head and I have no way to go to a Doctor.

Interesting to my sociology/psychology brain is the fact that I thought PTSD came from remembering the fear of the moment.  I could not have been more wrong.  I can’t imagine what a soldier must feel…  but fear isn’t the driving factor for PTSD..

I wasn’t afraid when I was throwing myself on the gunman to protect my family… But I have symptoms since the other night.  I can’t stop seeing the hole in the pistol he had pointed at everything I love.  It isn’t fear…  it’s something else.

I digress, I got fucking pissed out of my head and I slammed a door and went outside.  This nearly turned into the same argument.  My husband angry with me because I “threw a fit” fight…..  I showed a little emotion.  I was getting a talking to while my son..  the entire reason all of this is happening…  is outside making out with his girlfriend.

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I almost took the bait, so to speak, trying to explain my behavior and asking for forgiveness.. I said STOP, this is not something I did, you are giving the talking to, to the wrong fucking person.   FUCK THAT…  I am not a crazy person that snaps like a dead branch.  I was that person.  My boys hated it..  so I stopped. There are many legitimate things trying to piss me off daily..  it takes a lot to break me.

I had just found out that the man that nearly killed my family because of a broken fence is getting a slap on the wrist… I was pissed out of my head..  YUP and don’t you dare sit here and tell me about how there is a better way..  fuck that.  If you can’t stand for me to get mad and slam a door every once in a while then it is time for me to hit the road, because I have an Irish temper and when the situation calls for it I might slam a fucking door.

After I came back in My son was sitting next to his girlfriend making sure that she was okay.  She wasn’t involved in a thing..  she was just here when I stormed through and threw my prayer beads and went out the back door.  I said, “Yeah, I’m fine thanks for asking..  ever..  at all” because he needed to check himself.

He hasn’t asked me if I am okay since if fucking happened.  I don’t know if it is an age thing, or a learned behavior that will never go away but he has no respect for me at all.

People here, who know all the issues he is giving me and all the things he has done and the way he has treated me after have all told me to kick him out.  He has nowhere to go, I can’t do that.  However, this broke me.  My house is tiny, but I am fucking beyond hurt, sad, and angry.  He needs to be kicked out.  That said, I hate that it is called the silent treatment..  It is more than that.

He told me last night that I only made things worse, that I make them worse every time.  I jumped on a gun for him two days ago, after he was where he wasn’t supposed to be and hit a fence..  and I make things worse?

He doesn’t exist in my universe right now.  At all.  I cannot kick him out but I am all the way done.  It makes me sad, but I just can’t.  I am a fucking Psych major… I should know how to deal with this..  I suppose I do know how…  DONE…  you can stay in my house but don’t ask me to acknowledge your existence.

Yes, this will be possible, he has places he can go.  I have places I can go.;.. DONE

I would have packed my own bags and left if my husband refused to hear me again.  Luckily he didn’t.  I was ready to walk.

My husband stood up for me, and pointed out all the shitty things he had done and said since the gun thing..  he is a wonderful man and I love him so much and I am so glad that he finally heard me.

This is a great way to hold hands when you have fibro.  Human touch is essential, for us to be healthy...  hold hands, this way doesn't hurt

This is a great way to hold hands when you have fibro. Human touch is essential, for us to be healthy… hold hands, this way doesn’t hurt

Grab your gonads and stick up for yourself.  Love yourself enough not to be everyone’s crazy bitch.  You aren’t a crazy bitch…  find some peace, be at peace and write off the people that can’t get on board, no matter how much it feels like your heart is ripping in half.

I guess I should clarify, since I use many words to express myself, is this…  I know that you feel shitty because you aren’t the person your children and spouse knew before.  I know it feels super shitty when we hide because we just can’t take it..  Don’t let guilt eat away at your strength.  You are strong, at least you once were.  I got it back.  I did it, I stuck up to my husband and I am sticking up to my kid.  I am telling him why I am treating him this way.  I don’t know any other way to get my message across.  A few weeks at another house?  Of course not.

Hid dad did let him know what an ass hole he was being.  Pointed out that I did, indeed throw myself on a gun to save his life, and he says I made things worse.  Broken..  I am broken..  My heart is.  My strength is still with me.  Hold onto that strength with all your might…  You are sick, you should not have to make everyone else feel better at your own expense.  Stay strong, hold on…  you fucking got this.

Wrecked Cars, Fences, Guns Pointed at my Family

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Wrecked Cars, Fences, Guns Pointed at my Family

I have been as quiet lately as I could.  I have been traumatized.  I know a tiny little bit what PTSD feels like.  I thought I understood it, but I was very very wrong.  I can say this, all of you that suffer with it all the time, you are in my daily prayers..  The following is mostly what I gave to the cop as my statement.  I wrote this the night that it happened, trying to calm myself down.

Wednesday night we were at a very serious induction into the National Honor Society for our youngest son who is in drama, band, NHS, he is the drum major this year and next.. There is more, but no one loves a “Kathy Lee” I am simply trying to lay it out..  how things are at my house…  The next night, my oldest son was taking his friend home..  My oldest can fix everything.  He loves cars and he will be in that field for the rest of his life.

My husband and I are the biological parents of our sons, we have had a few rough patches.  I doubt that anyone who has been together 20 years hasn’t had a least a couple of them.  Following is what I wrote the night of the accident.

The car after the accident.

The car after the accident.

Thursday night this happened…

The people that have money, versus those of us who have none.  I am disabled from working a regular job.  I have severe fibromyalgia.  Yet I strive to make other things happen for me. I refused to apply for disability. I don’t want to lose my drive, although after this I am starting the process over again tomorrow.

I am in college, which is a huge challenge.  I have two teenage sons.  One is in the National Honor Society etc and the other one is a whiz on cars.

My husband works his ass off doing construction just to keep a roof over our heads and food in our belly.  It has been this way for as long as I can remember. Hanging on, knowing that we are two weeks to a month to homelessness if my husband misses work.

We are a happy family.  We are grateful for what we have and money doesn’t matter.  Except that money matters to other people, so we do what we can, but we stand out like a white person in black church where we live.

The population here are white rebublicans and massive amounts of the tea partiers that would like nothing more than to see people like us, around here, they call us lo-breds, wiped off the planet.  I want to wear a sign that I am disabled and I collect none of their money, no matter how badly we need it.

Before the Accident

Before the Accident

Tonight my son was using my car to take his friend home.  He decided to take the long way home.  I had advised against any such thing as it was foggy and raining.  He never listens to me.  He came around a corner too fast, there were other teens out walking at the time.

He swerved to miss them and ended up hitting a fence and, most likey, totaling my car..  which is uninsured because we are poor.  (we have since found out that it is not totaled, but will need months of work).  We only had liability to fix something if we broke it, but not our own car.  Adding an 18 year old driver to the mix made the insurance spike so high we could not pay it.

I have no teeth, because I used the money to buy him that car, see it was mine for now, and he was paying it off.  I knew he wasn’t being careful, I knew that it was likely that this would happen..  I would have been okay if this was just a story about a teenage driver hitting a fence.. I wish that this was a story about JUST a wreck.

My car was just vandalized at homecoming by a kid who has a beef with me because I reported him to the police for taking a loaded weapon into a boy scout meeting. My son drove that car to the dance that night.

The Boy Scouts and the church got him off..  he is in school again and free like a little bird to slash my tires, which necessitated us to put the old ones one, which did not help with the whole SLIDING thing this evening.

You see, it is close enough that we can walk to the guy with the fences house from here, we drove over after my son called us.  We got the call that all parents dread, except our son was not injured.  The fence and the car were a bit dinged up.  The car very much taking the brunt of the damage…  There were two sections of fence that need fixed.

The first thing I said when I stepped out of the car was, “where is the owner of the fence, we need to get that fixed for him” and by the time I had that out of my mouth I turned around and this white guy with a beer gut is screaming at my kid.  I let it go.  I thought at first that he was getting a talking-to and I would have totally supported that.

That is when the Marine that still lives inside me noticed that he was holding a weapon..  I didn’t freak out at that point but I started to vehemently try to get my son to leave..  without announcing that the dude had a gun.  He was out of his mind with rage..  I knew I had to tread lightly, lest he shoot the weapon.

That is not what my son was getting.  The man was screaming at him about horses and how we can’t fix the fence and cussing my son out.   As my husband and I both said, “sir, we would like to talk about fixing the fence for you”.  He turned and looked me up and down, grunted in disgust, called me a white trash bitch and told me that if I spoke to him again he was going to “put me prone” Which is a firing position, laying down on your stomach, it is also what cops do when they want to cuff someone.

My kid hit a fence, minimal damage, we offered to pay, he told us we couldn’t and never calmed down ever, he did not say one calm rational thing the entire time.  I told my son to get in the wrecked car and leave.  He didn’t want to.  My ears ring, I can be loud when I talk.  They heard me telling him to leave.  I wanted him not to get shot..  we wanted to do the right damn thing.  That guy walked up to the accident looking for a reason to pull that trigger and take out some of us “loafers” who are lo-breds and skulking by on his tax money for his huge horse ranch that he owns.  Just loookng for a reason to pull the trigger, which his hand was on, by the way.

We were still saying “calm down” when he drew down on my son in the wrecked car, trying to get away lest he get shot.  My husband stepped up and my world stopped when he pointed that gun at two of my boys.  I ran to my husband and I wrapped myself around him, between him and the gun.  When the guy faked putting it away as I was turning around, I saw him coming back up with it to take aim, once again.  It was very obvious he had no idea what to do with the gun, his finger was on the trigger.

I took off for him.  I am a mother a wife and I used to be a Marine…  I don’t remember exactly but I know that I ran toward him, between the gun and everyone I love in the world.  I ran and his wife stepped in my way, my mission was getting on top of that gun..  I pushed her.  Not even so hard that she fell..  she is fine.

* (addition to original) I have since given this a lot of thought, pushing the lady… I got cited for harassment, which is strange.. She chest bumped me so I couldn’t get to her husband.  He had a gun on everything I love in the world..  I remembered finally..  exactly what I did to her.  She chest bumped me, and I barely remembered her being there at all..  when she did that I pulled back and was going to punch her in the face..  but thought better of it, however I had already jumped in the air and she was shorter than me..  so instead of punching her I grabbed her on either side of her face, which was all I could reach, and I pushed her out of my way.  I stopped myself from laying her out*

My husband pulled me from jumping on the gun and he then the angry man with a dinged up fence had the gun pointed at me, success as far as I was concerned.  Over a fucking fence.  Not OVER the fence, but because he was a hothead with a weapon that he should not have and a few little winky things that need fixed..  he said 10 grand.  He really did think I was stupid..  I wonder if they took his blood alcohol level.

After my husband grabbed me the gunman said “you touch my wife again and I will put a bullet in your brainpan and I have every right to do so” that is when we got in our car and left.

This ties in.  We have the shitty cars, we have the shitty clothes, we don’t have money or land or means.  He has horses worth millions of dollars and he was going to shoot my family over a fucking fence?  I don’t want his land, or a horse, or for this to have turned into the nightmare that it has…  but when guns come out, mothers are gonna respond..  who knew that I was the type to literally throw myself on the thing.

We got a good cop.  Shocker, she didn’t even know that he had a gun, just that we had fled the scene of the accident..  not that we fled because he pulled a gun on us.

He tried to tell me he owned to the middle of the road..  I said, how much?  We will fix the fence..  Looks me up and down and tells me

You can’t fucking afford it you white trash piece of shit….

Class warfare on whom?

Oh and by the way….  Now it’s fucking warfare you twisted, ridiculous piece of shit.

End of what I wrote the night of the incident

My youngest jumped in the back seat..  My oldest was already headed to the place where we were hiding his car.  At our house we have nowhere to hide.  Especially cars…  and we were scared he was coming after us, as he said he was going to kill me, and he was within his rights, he was also within his rights to kill my whole family..  he said…

Reader, I know that you must think..  all this violence, this family must have something wrong with them.  Slashing tires (for doing the right thing) now a guy with a gun, but we couldn’t be more normal….  Our children are exceptional human beings, I never let myself fall into the trap of despair because we don’t have money..  fuck that..  we have each other and we are happy..  end of story..  fuck money……

So, my youngest and my husband and I jump into our car and leave immediately.  We went to the spot where we put the car, picked him up and came home and waited for the cop.

I did not speak to her that night at all.  I was beside myself.  My husband and son told her the truth and like I mentioned, she had no idea about the gun until we told her.

Now, we knew that she was coming back to get written statements from my son and husband..  I also gave her what I typed up that night because she said she wanted to talk to me to and it is really hard for me to speak clearly right now..  FMS and PTSD are not fun at all ever, when you have them both at the same time…  well….. you are pretty much fucked.

She started with talking to Shelby about his traffic citations, which were a given and was no big deal.  She looked at me and said because of the ONE witness out of the SIX that were there had a different story than I did.

The cop didn’t even interview the only other adult that not only saw the whole thing, but was screaming at the man with the gun to calm down.  Never spoke to her or any of the other four boys that were there, only one kid.

I knew I wouldn’t get off, I got cited with harassment.  My husband looked up what exactly that means and I didn’t do that.. but..  that isn’t the infuriating part.

I have PTSD, my sons saw their mother throwing herself on top of a gun..   None of us are okay.  We have had to borrow a truck from my husbands work because we are down, once again, to zero cars…

I will probably have to use money that was going to go to school to get us another car.  Which means the payments will be out of this world and I will end up having to quit school.  I am simply being realistic about this part…  This has done us in…  we were already struggling, and I have to keep writing and keep hoping that I can narrow my focus and start a book to sell..  I am even thinking about writing erotica just to make a little money.

I am trying to keep my head up.  I see the positive.  Everyone is alive and the only one physically hurting is me, but I am like that all the time so it’s just some new pains..  added in for fun (?) I’m trying here…..

Now, I was in a bar where a brawl broke out when I used to mobile DJ.  I got hit with a plastic outside chair..  The cop told me he could do nothing to that guy because there was no mark on me..  I was only bleeding..  that could have been anything.

Don’t care, I got harassment..  whatever..  the gunman..  what ya think he got?  Assault, death threats (of which there were many) pointing a gun directly at my head and saying he was going to shoot me in the head…  What ya think he got?  Disorderly. fucking.  conduct.

What.the.fucking.fuck.fuck.fuck?

The cop even suggested that we go to his house and talk to him about fixing the fence..  My husband said that we will fix the fence but we are NOT going to go near that man.  He had no idea what he was doing with that gun and his finger was very much on the trigger

In other words, I was an ass hair from getting shot.  Better me, than to lose one that I love..  but he gets disorderly conduct?  If we were the ones flashing a gun around we would be in jail.  Simple fact…  money+ability to afford dental work = getting away with direct death threats.  No money + shitty teeth = jail (if we had been the ones with a gun).  He gets disorderly conduct…

I am broken right now.  I am not seeing a bright side.  I am not afraid, but the PTSD is killing me.  Something happened in my neck and I can’t move my head..  I think I slipped a disk further…

disorderly fucking conduct.. is all he gets..

I just saw this on Facebook and I feel better, I am finding my way again….

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Help me Understand… Relates to School Shootings..

Standard

The following was written on May 10, 2014: (it is lengthy, but worth the read) More to follow..  Oh, and I cussed..  a lot…

” I have a story to tell. Names are changed, but this happened. I find myself compelled to tell some of this story because I hope everyone shares this with everyone. Maybe my friend didn’t stop a school shooting.. but then again.. maybe she did. Maybe she fucking, fuck this… this happened to me. To me and several other young people who shouldn’t have to deal with things like this.
There is a boy.. he is 18 and was an Eagle Scout. He was a friend of my family. We all love him very much. I wanted to help him. I wanted to be his mentor, and guide him. This kid has a mama that kicked him out when he was 10 telling him she didn’t give a shit.

He moved in with grandparents, whom had already raised their kids. He had very little guidance in the areas of immediate gratification, being a bully, handling his anger… he was PISSED. And no wonder. Mamas that don’t take care of their babies are the cause of so much damage in the world it makes my heart weep.
I do what I can to help these babies. I have a lot of babies. Two are mine, the rest are broken or orphaned baby birds (not actually birds, people) make their way to me. They always have. I love that I can talk to them and they think that I am cool so I have a rapport with teenagers, I always have. Except my own… that is another blog.

I thought I could help this violent and angry baby bird. I was wrong. My youngest son is in Boy Scouts and last week was at his weekly meeting, held in a church building that is local in my area.

Let me try to explain the players in this now, so there is no confusion, my two boys, Scout 2 shall be the angry bird (who is 18 and now no longer a scout but a leader) and scout 1 whom you will meet in a moment.

The damaged bird had been at my house quite a lot leading up to this. I naively thought I could help him. When I realized that I needed to ABORT ABORT, back away slowly… it was too late. My oldest son came to me after receiving a phone call from scout 1. Scout 1 informed my son that Scout 2, my broken bird, had lifted his shirt and showed scout 1 a gun, an illegal handgun, tucked into the waist of his pants.

Now, as you can quite imagine scout 1 freaked out a little, then as he drove home he freaked out a lot and called my oldest son right away to tell him what scout 2 had done. My son immediately came to me and my husband.
Mind you, everyone knows this boys is troubled. We wanted to do the right thing. However, at first the story was it was in the parking lot. No, we then found out it was loaded and in the meeting in Scout 2’s pants. For the entirety of the meeting.

These boys have all been friends for a long time. Neither my son, nor scout 1 wanted to get scout 2 in trouble. However, the dads spoke on the phone and decided to leave the issue with the Troop’s main pooh bah leader. By this time it was around 1030 at night. We were called by the other dad and informed that the grand pooh bah was going to alert the pastor that is in charge of the church.
Settle in, this is quite the story.

My husband told me before him and the rest of the “players” went to sleep that we trust the pastor of the church to do the right thing. This has to be reported to the police. Someone is going to get hurt. I had spent the week with the broken bird, he was manic and a psychopath and I knew it, that is why I was trying to back my family out of it. I tried to get us away from this cyclone of insanity.
Now, everyone is in bed except me and my son. My son had actually had a conversation with scout 2 about what he did. He admitted to my son on the phone that he had the gun at the meeting. It was also loaded. The gun kid was so manic he kept trying to throw red herrings. He kept trying to swerve the conversation around to talking about girlfriends etc.. My son asked him at least 20 times why we shouldn’t call authorities. I am a social work student and knew that anyone in a position of power (the grand poo bah of the troop and the pastor) were bound by law to contact the police.

This kid was not talking about getting guns, he had been showing off his shotguns and now he was in a boy scout meeting showing off his latest “cool” thing, which happened to be a gun with the number filed off. The Pooh Bah and the Pastor knew. I knew they had to do the right thing, notify the police immediately.. as a social worker, nurse, Doctor, you name it, you know of an immediate threat like that.. that is what you do.. period. Even if I had called mental health at the beginning of the night they would have been obligated to notify the police. There simply was no way around it.

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Here are some pretty flowers to cleanse your pallet… this is going to get a lot worse.
So, as I sat here with my oldest son we were talking about how we wish someone would let us know that the law was informed. There was school in a few hours, the one scout 2 was kicked out of because he was caught with a knife in school; yeah that school.

We started to wonder, how do we let them know? How to we warn them not to let this child into the school? I knew that in the manic state he was in, anything was possible. Don’t get me wrong. I really love this kid. He got a really bad shake at life and all he wanted was a mama to love him… I wish I could have helped him.

So, at that point I pictured the red hair guy from the Sandusky stuff. You know, the one that told his bosses and did nothing else? Yeah, him.. I thought of him and I needed to make sure the cops were called, so I called them. Never even considering the possibility that they had not yet been called. My son and I talked it all through, we thought.. only we had no plan for what to do if they hadn’t already been called. It was impossible that they hadn’t been called right?
The lady answered at the non-emergency number and I explained that I just needed to make sure they had been called. That this kid could be dangerous and I was worried about the school. Guess what readers? The cops had not yet been called. I was the first one, at 1am to call the cops.

I was berated by the lady, saying we should have called hours ago, and I told her that I trusted that the people in charge would have done so. Nope.. It was me. FUCK! I said lady, I was never going to be the one that called you. I was worried about the school kids.

So, now we have a grand pooh bah and a pastor that knew of this incident and did nothing. They were at least supposed to alert all members of the troop with a letter, they didn’t do that either.

So, this leaves me in quite the predicament. Gun boy is mad because I called the cops.. and the boys scouts as well as that church don’t look so good as far as I am concerned, they can go to hell, and my son is out of that troop. He will get his Eagle from people that he respects, not leaders that are afraid to do the right thing.

Now, yeah… there is more… want another pallet cleanser?

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I do not mean to make light of this. This has shattered everyone at my house as well as everyone at the house of scout 1.. the kid who saw the gun.

When I got off the phone with the police lady she got my number and said there are troopers in the area and she would have them call me if they have questions.

15 minutes later BOOMBOOMBOOM goes the “cop knock” on my front fucking door. They were shining the lights in my house. We had the windows blacked out because we were scared of gun kid. I was shaking because I have a nervous condition, the cop would not accept that this is as calm as I was going to get and that I have a nervous condition. His response was to shine that fucking mag light in my face (which makes my condition SO much worse) and just kept saying “calm down”. Because I have bad teeth and I was shaking I was automatically, in their mind, on meth. In reality I don’t have the money to fix my teeth which are bad because I had braces and they cracked my soft, European teeth. I will fix them when I have the money.. until then I am still a human. Not everyone with bad teeth is poor and stupid. I may be poor but I am not ignorant or stupid.

Now, he called my son out, who by the way was a fucking mess. He didn’t want to tell on his friend, but how do we feel if he flies off and kills someone? He knew we had to. I had to let him talk to the police. We both said, no threats have been made, he is manic, crazy, and showing off. However, he had already admitted blackouts to me. I knew he had them. I told the police he had them. They told me to calm the fuck down.

Added note here, if anyone, ever, ever, ever again tells me to calm down they are getting punched in the neck.

They got the information from my kid. The officer was awful. Terrible. He got the information about scout 1, and they left for his house to get his version. However, before he left he looked my child in the eye and said, “you should have let them handle this in house, now this kids life is going to be ruined and it is all your fault”. My son is not the same. He will never be the same. He was shattered. We both were.

Neither of us could believe that in a climate like the one that we live in, with all the school shootings, shouldn’t a manic guy with an illegal firearm be reported to the police? I fucking sure as hell think so. It still doesn’t quite seem real.

The cops went to scout 1’s house. They were very nice to him. Very nice. Turns out we were fucking telling the truth and uh-oh.. yeah it is a level 3 felony just for having the gun in the church.

They arrested the kid and he turned on the guy that sold him the gun and got out immediately. Wrote me a massive text talking about how he needs me to be his friend one second then cussing me for ruining his life in the next breath.. again.. not real secure with his state of mind.

Two days ago I called the high school. Obviously I can’t stop thinking about all that has gone down because this sounds like fiction. It felt like fiction, like I was floating like a balloon waiting for someone to pop me.

So I talked to a lovely vice principle at the school. Again, just making sure that someone did their job and the school was notified. I am horrified to say I was the first to call. They were notified of nothing. So I gave them a description of the car and they know the kid. She was headed straight for the principle and the office to let them know that under no circumstance should this child be allowed in the school. This was days after the initial incident.

Now, I don’t like the word cover-up. I can tend to be a conspiracy theorist.. however, this was a fucking cover up. No one wants anyone to know that the ball was dropped by many people, including the police. I have plans that include that fucking cop apologizing to my son for doing the right fucking thing.

Here is the best fucking part… the household everyone talks shit about. They say that I am a no good pot head, because I think medicine should be legal. They hate us because we don’t go to church… we are the black sheep.. We are the non-Christians who are destined for their version of hell. Yet, what do ya know? WE were the ones that are taking the heat and taking a stand. The fucking heathens doing the right thing? I wish I was fucking surprised.

What the fucking fuck is wrong with the world when the very people who are vilified are the only ones that did the right fucking thing? With the exception of scout 1, he did the right thing and like my son he is torn to shreds about it.
I was treated like a crazy drug addict and my son was treated like a criminal for reporting a loaded, illegal, gun in a scout meeting.

The main point I want to leave everyone with is this… don’t assume that people in power that you trust.. don’t ever assume they will do the right thing. This story is proof that even the cops were sort of in favor of keeping this a secret. Fuck secrets.

Sandy Hook, Columbine, all the shootings that have broken our hearts… how many parents tried, like me, to do the right thing? How many warnings were there that were ignored? We don’t hear about this happening on the news. Reports before hand? That’s crazy, of course there couldn’t have been. Now I know better, but it doesn’t make me feel better. Not even a little bit.

It fucking sucks to be the ones. It sucks bad. It doesn’t feel good, there is no parade and your stomach will probably hurt for a month, because it feels really shitty My son missed two days in school because his stomach hurt so bad from the stress he couldn’t even stand up straight… but if I saved a kid from getting shot, it was worth it.

I am stepping back from the entire thing for the moment to catch my breath and allow my family to heal. Then, fuck the bad teeth.. People need to know. People need to do the right fucking thing, no matter how hard it is.”

That is what happened in May of this year.

Later in the summer

We all went to the hearing and waited in the courthouse along with several Amish men, which was a bit strange.  I stood for so long I was forced to take a chair inside because I was going down, as I am wont to do because of the FMS.

At any rate, it was our group, the group that showed up with the kid that had the gun, and a bunch of Amish dudes..  oh and some lawyers that looked utterly done in.  What bothered me is that the youth preacher from the church where it occurred was there with the dude that had the gun, in the church where he is a youth pastor…  What??  I fail, even this many months later, to think of any reason why the youth pastor would be there.  With one exception, the church messed up..  they know they did.  They know that people know (like me).  Magically this kid got probation, and nothing else…

The best news yet, yes I am being a smartass..  the worst part is, this kid is back in school because the church got him off.

Current Day

Now, at the homecoming dance, he was there.  For a little while, he showed up to stare at my son, who he thinks is the one who called the cops.  He left early so that he could stop by my/my kids car to scratch every single body panel and slash two of the brand new tires.

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😦 slashing tires is so violent..  When he was coming here he showed me the knife..  It was awful all curves and sharp and pointy…  My poor car, I want to cry when I see what he did

We have a witness, I am being very careful because I don’t want our witness to end up where we are, living in fear because a church and the boy scouts got the charges dropped and they should not have, in a million years.  This child is a psychopath and he is dangerous.

I see kids getting kicked out of school for pictures of a gun, and I can’t get anyone to listen to me about a kid who has already taken a loaded weapon into a boy scout meeting?  It makes no sense..

Be careful, parents..  I wonder how many people like me tried to warn the authorities at the schools where these travesties are occurring.  I thought sure it would be taken care of, and the only people that took care of anything is the church and the scouts taking care of their reputations.

Today I got on Facebook, and although the cops took a report on my car, we will never call them.  I saw this one my sons page today:

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Now..  I started this whole thing back up because I saw this article..

Click the picture to read the article…

 

These kids were suspended and those are air pellet guns, not to mention they are not at school, or a boy scout meeting..  they are at home

These kids were suspended and those are air pellet guns, not to mention they are not at school, or a boy scout meeting.. they are at home