Please read this one… I felt a bit odd when I wrote it, like it wasn’t just me writing it… My Muse was strong for me today.
I realize that I have written before about kids and how fibro effects them. As a mother, the amount of guilt I felt at the fact that I wasn’t healthy like the other moms crushed me. I constantly tried to be more involved. I constantly tried to do more with them. I wanted to be the healthy mom that I thought my kids deserved. My boys are 17 and 19 now and they have told me they didn’t mind it that I was sick. They wanted me with them. They want me in their life just like I am. I’m working real hard on believing it.
With fibromyalgia I still managed to raise two amazing, successful men. Did I cast a spell? No. I figured out that time spent together is more precious than anything else I can imagine. I bet that right now you are thinking “yeah right! How did she find the time?”
See, quality time with your kids is simply time with your kids. You don’t need to take them places or do expensive things with them. Stay home. Watch a movie together. As long as you are togehter you are accomplishing your goal.
I remember ruined trips to fairs and carnivals and malls and restaurants.. well you get the idea. I thought that to prove I was okay I needed to pretend that I was ok. This is not only false, it is dangerous to your relationships.
Pretending you are ok will most certainly make you worse. I just attempted suicide because I pretended that I was ok. Obviously I wasn’t.
Kids are not stupid. They can tell that something is wrong. Be honest. The only thing scarier than having a sick mom is having one that won’t tell you what it is.
There is a fine line that we ride every minute of every day. Always wondering how much we should let them know. Are we failing as mothers because we can’t run? Are we failing as mothers because it is difficult for us to make plans?
My youngest son is a senior this year. He was the drum major. He was the lead in the play Les Miserables. Jean Valjean. He is in 4 AP classes and has a 4.0 GPA. He does model UN. He made it into county chorus.
My other son is the opposite of Ian. Shelby is 19 and he works on cars. He is very good at what he does and could write a book with what he knows about cars. His eye for design is unparalleled and he is going to accomplish amazing things. He is driven and focused and all this while dealing with ADD with no medication. Amazing.
SEE? They are both just fine. My opinion? Better than fine. Oh yeah, and Ian? He gets his Eagle Scout soon and created the STEM program that the scout camp uses to teach the kids science and technology when they come to camp.
I had three child development classes. Your kids need you. They don’t need toys or computers or cars, they need you. It Doesn’t matter that there is a version of you that hurts and needs to rest because ultimately YOU are there. It is only scary if you don’t explain what is going on. They understand a lot more than you think.
My youngest graduates high school this year. He is a super brainy genius and a lot of the Ivory league schools are after him. Obviously, having a sick mom didn’t ruin his life; matter of fact I was able to be here with him every second that I can because I know that my time with him is ticking down.
My other kid does body and mechanical work on cars. His eye for design is stunning and I see big things for him. Thank goodness he doesn’t mind staying at home. I don’t think I could handle an empty nest.
I gave those examples because I have fibro. I hid, I was insane, I yelled, I stopped going out, I stopped seeing friends. I laid in my bed and wanted to die for 2 years. I hate that I could have spent at least a little of that time with my kids.
One day though? One day you will look back over your life with your kids. My memories are glorious. We did what I could handle, I didn’t have any pity parties for my pain, we picked things that we could do and what do ya know? Firstly, I am much better at getting around. I love time playing my drum when we play music. I am gloriously happy in my life.
The most important nugget that I want to leave with you is this.
BE GENUINELY HAPPY
I am gloriously happy most of the time. I didn’t used to be. I have had to learn how to stay happy. I figured, why waste time looking all pissed off and wrinkled? Life is way too short not to smile all the time. Even if your teeth are kind of bad.
GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD
you are not dying. Yes it hurts. Suck it up. Your kid deserves the best you can give them
KEEP IT SMALL AND SIMPLE
Don’t go to Hershey park or a concert. Stick with things that you can do
REMEMBER THE BRAIN FOG
There is no reason not to have a helper with you when you go out for the day. I get do confused sometimes, a good road dawg is important
USE COMMON SENSE
I know that it sucks to have go think of all the extra crap you need when you are going somewhere because of the fibro. I suggest you just deal and don’t let it upset you. I have no solution for this, we need a lot of stuff because well, because fibro.
Important to note here that when you are getting your stuff ready to go and you find yourself getting confused, call your road dawg (friend). When I call mine I tell her it is a Sanity Check
REMEMBER TO LIVE OUTSIDE YOUR OWN BODY
Our bodies can betray us and cause us to feel as though we are in a battle with our own soul. The pain etc; that we have to endure is unthinkable to most people. Yet here we are.
This is a constant battle for me. Trying to live without thinking about my physical condition as all times. It is a fight I actually win every single day because I beat it. I am in charge of what and how I think.
I am happy to be with my kids in the time I have left with them. No matter the ages of yours, spend the time. Get to know them. Learn how to play Halo. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not.
This is NOT hard
The clock is ticking, one day they will be gone . What will your memories look like?
You have the fight.. You can lift a mountain, if you needed to, to make sure that your kids are happy and feeling safe.