Tag Archives: body image

I hurt so Badly. Why Can’t you be Kind?

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I hurt so Badly.  Why Can’t you be Kind?

Hello fellow warriors and friends.  I write this today as a result of the things that went on yesterday here at my house.  I live in the country, with grass and hills that make even a walk outside impossible.  I can go outside and sit on my porch (I am right now) but I can’t go anywhere else because I still don’t have my car.  I am miserable and getting worse by the day.  Yesterday I broke.

They are trying.  See, I live with men.  Two sons and a husband.  They are trying to get our other two vehicles on the road but because of how expensive that is in Pennsylvania it is taking months before we have the money.   So, I am stuck here.  I have been for years.

I don’t complain much.  According to my husband, I am some sort of crazy person who loses my shit all the time.  Same with my oldest son.  The things is, though, is that I do not.  Yesterday I cried because I am so sad and miserable and I have been trying to hide it from everyone, especially myself. The problem is that every time I have a feeling about something I am “crazy”.

I have been binge watching television.  That is about it.  I cruise around my laptop to facebook and reddit.  I have been desperately trying to distract myself, to no avail.  I still feel like a miserable lump.

Now, I know that there are a lot of women with fibro who have no one.  Or whose husbands are just horribly mean and abusive..  No way is my situation worse, or even as bad as that.  But the reality is, is that everyone has their own demons; they have their own struggle.  My struggle is that my husband has no compassion.

He admits that he has none.  When I was crying yesterday because I am so miserable, sore, and bored he got mad at me.  He gets angry when I cry.  He is never sweet, or caring.  In those dark moments I am on my own.  It would be easier if I didn’t know for a fact that he is capable of it.

This is not to say he doesn’t help in other ways.  He is wonderful.  Him and the boys do their own laundry, they help with dishes.  I know that for the most part I am blessed.  I make sure he knows I feel that way nearly every day.  I do NOT take that for granted.

But the dark times?  The really dark times, when I feel like I am slipping again.  When I am wondering if I still want to live at all?  In those moments I need him the most and he is just angry.  I told him he couldn’t understand what it is like to be housebound and that made him mad too.  He won’t help me because I said that.  That is the excuse this time.  Of course he can’t understand, he has NEVER been housebound.  I don’t understand what he does at work every day..  at all..  how can this be the reason your shutting me out and hurting me worse?

I don’t know if anyone will read this..  I just needed to get it out.  I am so sad and I want my husband to hug me when I cry..  how is that too much to ask?

So, right now I am broken.  I am desperately trying to pick up a craft or color, but then I just don’t..  I keep doing the same thing..  over and over.

I am really angry with myself.  I am angry at so many things.  I am pissed that I cannot walk around my own lawn.  I miss my old life sometimes.  These are the reasons that I am freaking out.  This is permanent and dammit, I am going to suffer and break and I need my partner to help me put myself back together again.

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Just Smile and Nod

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Just Smile and Nod

It happened.  It finally happened and I caught her in the act.  Let me explain.  Yesterday we stopped at the liquor store.  I was having a really hard time walking.  It was a nightmare.  I was fibro walking to the max, including frequent stops at the posts so that I could make it to my car.

I tried to go quickly to the car.  You warriors know how this is..  Coming in hot bitches, better not be in my seat.. I looked at her as I turned around to squeeze my ass in the car and there she stood with her shorts and cowboy boots and cute little hat..

She was laughing at me.  She caught me looking and said “Are you okay?” with that big fake smile those pretty bitches have that make men melt?  You know what I mean.  Except I am not a man and my life is falling apart.

I answered her..  I said.. venomously, that I have fibromyalgia.  She stopped laughing.  Hubby says I look drunk when I fibro walk, but I really don’t.  I need to lean because I am weak but I am not wobbly.  At any rate, he fell for the pretty smile.  I knew better.

I cried on the way home.  I know that a million people talk about me behind my back..  I am ok with that.  When you see that I am obviously in a great deal of pain and you laugh at me..  2 days after I find out that I cannot finish the 24 credits I need for school?  Well it was too fucking much.

She giggled and shook her ass and every little ol thing was just fine.  I was not fine.  Not even close.  I do not even see a FINE in my future.  I know it is there and I will find my path again.  I am used to starting over.

Today has been better.  My heart is not hurting quite so much.  I feel like I have some options and I know that, at some point, I will finish school.  Until then I will simply have to kick ass wherever I can.

So, even when it is out of the kindness of your heart (not the case with the tiny shorts girl), remember, that someone walking/talking/wheeling..  whatever, if they are not falling down or yelling for help, a simple smile and a hello is needed, we will tell you if help is what we need.

Do I Look Fat to You?

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Do I Look Fat to You?

I was just outside thinking and enjoying the weather.  It is my anniversary weekend with my amazing husband.  We have been married for 19 together for 20.  We have raised two amazing boys.  We love each other.  He loves me, even though I am sick and so many husbands/partners run for the hills when their mate becomes ill.  Not my husband, he works even harder because I have not been able to work.

I was thinking outside about selfies and that people make fun of selfies, but that for someone like me it is a really big deal to post a picture of yourself for everyone to see.

I figure they all three deserve the best version of myself that I can possibly give them.  Back to being outside thinking.  I was thinking about how much weight I have gained, but how lately I have been dieting pretty hard.  I don’t have scales, why upset yourself on purpose?

I know I gain weight by what I can get on..  Like when my underwear starting curling and falling down, I figure I am gaining and it is time for new panties.  That sounds very simple but it has been one of my greatest losses, my thin self.

I have gained around 80 pounds from medication.  My meds all say “will cause weight gain” so I figure that added to the fact that I can barely walk I would indeed gain weight.  I was not prepared for how it would make me feel.  I can’t STOP thinking about my fat chin.  Well, couldn’t..  until recently.

I was out at a bar with my hubby and friends and there was a fluffy lady sitting beside me on a bench outside.  Someone went to take a picture and she shied away and said, “please don’t take a picture of my double chin.” I realized I was sitting right there and didn’t think once about her double chin, even though I was obsessed about mine.  It’s in OUR heads, not others.  It’s about how we perceive things. I told her that.  That I think about mine constantly, but other people don’t look at me and think..  “ooh, double chin”…

Here is the magic part, we get what we put out into the universe.  Like the secret, only not bullshit.  It’s ancient, the thoughts that we have, even if we don’t say them out loud, are our reality.  It’s up to us if we want to change our own reality.

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The reason I talked about the selfie is because it may be shameless, but I like that word..  Shameless..  and I also like the fact that I am happy enough with myself to post pics on the internet.  It takes guts to put yourself out there.  So be shameless, post that pic of yourself.

Remember this one thing, it is in your head.  You are in charge.  People absolutely love you, no matter your size.  The people that you love?  They deserve someone who loves themselves.

Vibrating.. you Know you do…. My Theory…

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Vibrating..  you Know you do…. My Theory…

Vibrating.  I am constantly doing it now.  I have been since the fibromyalgia got worse.  Here’s the thing, though..  I have given it a lot of thought.  I have meditated on the answer.  I have come up with an explanation for the vibrating.

See, we are all made of the same thing, atoms.  We are made up of matter.  I didn’t pay a super lot of attention in science, but I know that matter,. in and of itself, moves around.  Fibromyalgia makes us move around more quickly than we can handle. It has been proven scientificaly that our brains and the way they function can all go back to mathematics.

The article talks about how matter interacts with the environment that is around us. It causes us to vibrate on levels that are way too high for most people. and it messes up the other stuff in your brain, and you probably have a short fuse, or a limited capability for simple problem solving, or giving directions..  I literally got lost while I was holding a Tom Tom.  I no longer have to give directions.

Click here to read the entire article.

l Click here to read the entire article.

I know that how I feel when I am beside my creek is entirely different from what I feel like when I am sitting in a crowd of people waiting for a play or concert to start.  In those situations I generally require headphones and slumping into my seat, so as not to be noticed or spoken to.

It isn’t because I don’t want to talk to them, it’s that the likelihood of making sense is very very low at this point and I generally sound like an ass hole if I try to communicate.  That, or I forget everything I should know about that person to make any conversation at all nearly impossible.  Frozen and awkward; horrible. We have all been there, I am sure.

Thing is, I think that all the neurotransmitters in our brains are getting adrenaline dumped into them because our Sunstance P is broken…  well they are getting all these links, and things are firing that shouldn’t be.  Rather, things are firing in our brains, that simply only fire in a “regular” brain when they have a true adrenaline rush.

I almost forget what a real adrenaline rush feels like.  I have certainly forgotten what “normal” feels like.

When I flare hard it feels like my eyeballs vibrate.  I have found that if you can work on connecting yourself to the earth again.. If you can try to meditate. Concentrate…  NOT on how you are feeling..  you have fibro, it hurts, but it isn’t doing any true damage.  Learn to take it by the hand and get to know it.  It is part of your life now.  Accept that and work on you.

Find yourself under that blanket of protection that you have draped over yourself. Remember, it is your brain.  Take it somewhere slow.  Make it slow down.  It might take some work to get used to it, but trust me, it helps so much.  Move at the vibration you find that is comfortable to you.  Work with a Reiki coach, that changed my life.

I also tell myself that I have a super power.  I am so connected to everything that I vibrate with it.  I would make a lousy actual superhero, as I can’t run..  like at all…  but I can walk into a room and know who needs my help, and that seems like a wonderful super power to have.

I am not a Suicide Bomber, I am a Mother

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I am not a Suicide Bomber, I am a Mother

I am not a suicide bomber..  but I am a mother.  It is kind of the same thing.  In one, you strap a bomb to yourself and you die for a cause, you give all of yourself to the cause and you lose everything including your life.  Being a full time stay at home mother who has given nearly 18 full years to two humans has taken me away from myself.  I have been blown to bits in the wind, because now they don’t need me and without that job, what else is there?

To be fair, I have had severe fibromyalgia for 6 years.  It is tough overcoming having a sick mom.  I am digging myself out of a hole they can’t even see is there.  They know that I seem better, but of course they may never see the work I am doing on myself.  They might not even notice because they aren’t in a war with their own bodies every single day.

Much like a bomb would, they sometimes rip my heart out.  I literally threw myself on a gun to protect them.  This wasn’t even a week ago.  I am so used to putting everyone ahead of myself.  I was to be the only one shot that night because meh…  who cares about me?

I was just talking to my best friends, in a chat we have had for months and months on Facebook.  They reminded me that while it was what every mother would have done; it was a matter of myself feeling like the one with no worth, the one the world could do without.

I was upset, I am very scatter brained.  Then I realized that I had done it.  I had lost myself, because of guilt over an illness that is not my fault.  That doesn’t make any damn sense does it?  I did nothing to get Fibromyalgia, doctors don’t even know where it comes from.  Yet the guilt I feel has driven me below ground, feeling like my life is unimportant.  No…  no way, we gotta work on that one… IMMEDIATELY

I have worked hard to overcome this condition, I don’t care who notices, I don’t care that they don’t notice the work I have done on myself.  I simply have to remember that I do count.  That I am someone.

I need to create my own self worth again.  I need to find it.  I blog for fibromyalgia because I have figured stuff out..  I help people.  Every single day.  That is worth.

I say I hate money, yet because I bring none in, I let it steal my sense of self-worth.  I hate money and I don’t care if I never make another dime. It certainly should have nothing to do with my value.

Self-worth is knowing that you have an important mission in your life and maybe all mothers feel this ripping feeling when their kids are 18 and acting like ass holes.  Maybe all moms feel like, “holy shit, I gave my life to that human and they are hurting me and breaking my heart, I must have done something wrong”.

I am not a suicide bomber and I am not a pushover.  It may take a while to feel like I am worth something, but work on it I shall.  Watch out world, this bitch is just getting started.

Every mother needs to keep a locked box in her head, where she keeps herself.  Don’t lose yourself to your job, or your kids, or your partner..  It is really hard to get that self back once you let go.

 

Live Your Best Life, Learn who you are now…

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Live Your Best Life, Learn who you are now…

Hello warriors.  I think this is a post that I have been waiting a long time to write.  I have a lot of things to say that are pertinent whether or not you have Fibromyalgia (FMS).

First of all I have a story to tell.  My whole life I have been worried what people thought.  Even when I said I didn’t care, I was able to hide the fact that I cared, but I still cared very much, so much that it would almost be the only thing I would think about for a while.

After the FMS got so bad I was so fucking hurt because everyone who was supposed to love me thought I was insane, or faking, or just being lazy.  It killed me that people thought that.  I would spend days wondering why.

Why won’t my mom help me get to the doctor?  Why are they saying all these awful things about me?

I found that this is a total waste of time, and you are going to be sad because of what someone else thinks?

NOPE…  WRONG, you have a disorder that has stolen your life.  It cannot be understated how devastating it is to lose your ability to do nearly everything you loved.

No one will understand this, except for someone who has been through it.  FMS is a special case because there are so many things that people simply cannot understand, hell I can’t make any sense of it.

Whether you are sick or not it does absolutely NO good at all to worry what others think.  It is a process to get to a place where you truly don’t care, but I am 38..  it took me this long..  I had an amazing experience yesterday that taught me better.

We went shopping at Walmart, which is a trial when you have FMS.  I had a great time.  I thought I would have to use the auto-cart that you ride around, but I made it.

When I speak about the zombie couple at Walmart that just look like they are miserable nearly everyone should know what I mean.  It is chaos in the store and they were with two small children.  Their little girl still had her Hallows Eve costume on.  She was wearing a bright blue wig.  I should post a picture of me here…

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This is what I look like from the back.  Of course, yesterday I was a bit less….  fluffy….  however, I have baby dreads and they are a mess most of the time.  I have some wrapped and it is a colorful mess and I love it.

This pertains to the couple in Walmart because when I walked by I said “I want blue hair”.  They turned to look at me, I could see out of the corner of my eye.  They were miserable.

 I passed them and they turned to look at me and saw MY hair.  They started laughing at me,  really loudly.  Not giggling, laughing and leaning on each other and having a beautiful, unexpected moment together because they were making fun of me.

I waited for the pain.  That pain that I used to push way back, yet still obsess over.  I waited and it never happened.  I smiled.  I thought it was amazing that they were laughing together.  I didn’t care one whit, for the first time in 38 years, that they were making fun of me.

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They were making fun.. those are the words I took from it.  They were laughing with one another.  Sharing a moment.  I am so happy that I was the catalyst for that.  Oh yeah, and by that time I was doing the FMS shuffle walk…  I will have that video posted here later, my version of the “shuffle”.

One of the first things I learned about FMS was that it changes how you interact with people.  It changes the way that you speak, because words can be so hard.

If this happens, simply say bear with me, I have a neurological condition.  (1) it isn’t a lie and (2) if you say fibromyalgia people automatically ignore your issues, they just do; it is a shitty word.  I have tried this several times and it works like a charm.

Now, love who you are.  Replace words if you feel like it, with other similar ones.  Just become yourself.  Stop hiding behind FMS..  start to live..  get to know yourself again.

The new self..  The one that you are now.  So, you lost the ability to do some shit..  there are a million other things that you can do..  you push yourself.  If you fail.. that wasn’t your thing.  Simple as that.. Move on to the next thing.

Cry whenever you want.  Not every day, but during this process you are going to fail and you are going to be sad and you are maybe going to cry because it is frustrating as all hell..  But you can do it.

Don’t think about what hurts, unless it is knocking you to the floor. If you do go down, do it slowly and laugh at yourself.

Don’t wonder “is that the fibro or am I dying?” because YES it is the FMS and that isn’t your focus anymore..  your focus is you..  stepping out of the box you have yourself in.

You will still have things you cannot do.  My goal is not to cure you, that is impossible.  My goal is to help you understand you don’t need that box.

I have told my family that I am no longer going to be the pushover I was.  I was allowing my son to run roughshod over me because I didn’t want to fight and get upset.  Unfortunately for him, those days are done.  That is my most recent step up.

I have made some stuff.  Earrings..  Necklace.  I thought that was gone, The ability to make them, and even though it takes me 3 times as long as it used to and it hurts like hell..  I do it because I have pain anyway and it makes me happy.

Now, I shall have to speak of the cost of becoming yourself.  Most people develop their sense of self in relation to what others think.  It is science, it is how we form our schemas of ourselves and those are hard to take apart.

That said, that isn’t even the cost.  For me the cost was extended family turning away from me, refusing to speak to me.  I don’t miss them.  I never really did.  However, that can be too steep a price for some people.

I do wish that they would come see my son be the drum major for his whole band at high school.  Or come see the amazing mechanical work that my other son is able to do.  Or maybe come to the Sherlock play, where my kid is cast as Moriarty.  I am the one they don’t like, they should never take that out on my boys.

Yeah, the one in charge?  That is my kid.

Yeah, the one in charge? That is my kid.

Don’t let FMS make you scared to be yourself.  I have dread locks and I openly act in the marijuana reform movement.  I am broke most of the time, and I have this shit that makes it so I walk fine for a few minutes, then everything goes all to hell.

This reminds me of the “stop-watch” thing I do.  If I am going somewhere I have to time my meds of course.  I also have to TRY and figure how much time I have before my legs give out completely.

This is impossible.  I have tried for years.  There is no set time.  There is no watch and there is no way to know when everything is going to go all to shit.  What really sucks is when my legs and arms go at the same time, it makes it tough to get back up.

One last FMS thing that I thought about.. Words are as exhausting as running up a hill.  I think this might be on the hardest things for people to understand.  If you have an argument with me, it is as bad..  or worse… than if I was doing a marathon.

When I go to plays and music things, while I wait in my seat I listen to music on my phone, clearly ignoring everyone.  That way I am not done in before my kid even gets on stage.  Don’t ever be afraid to live your best life, no matter what your new version is, don’t be afraid to live it.

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FMS takes your life.  It steals it.  You are forced to forge a new one.  It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done.  You don’t need the haters to understand, you just work on you.  Live your life, love your life, it can still be a great one.

Body Shape, Emotional Well Being

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Body Shape, Emotional Well Being

First let me start by saying that since I have gotten sicker, it has become nearly impossible to get the sort of exercise that everyone else finds so simple.  I have food issues, I think that all comes with it.  That is what I tell myself.  I am not fat.  However, I found an article today where a girl talks about doing an experiment.  Click on the picture to read the article.

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This woman is not fat, in my opinion.  America has this notion that you have to look like a 12 year old boy in order to look sexy.  Don’t believe me?  Watch any fashion show.  Not Victoria Secret, they like big boobs, otherwise..  12 year old boy..  except a girl.  How can anyone live up to those standards?

We all know if effects everything.  How we feel when we finally drag ourselves out of our sweats and into some decent clothes.  Date night, or a night out with your friends.  It takes some shopping, which sucks and you can reference my post about it.  Get yourself a bra, as comfortable as possible, NOT a sports bra, the uni-boob look is not a good one.

Click here to read my post about shopping with FMS

We have so many different things to worry about, our body shape should not be one of them.  My husband still very much loves me, no matter how I look.  I love me, no matter how I look.  It is essential that you do your best to eat healthy and stay on top of a semi-decent diet.  More important than that is that you realize that on the very long list of things you need to worry about, the shape of your body is at the end of the very long list.  Love yourself.  It is the only way to live with this horrible shit.

At Christmas, the extended family one..  we have a gift exchange.  Girl gift, guy gift and we pick numbers.  It is quite fun.  People can steal your present and you pick another.  It is the one time all year that I laugh with those members of my family.  The present that I picked this year, the first one..  my aunt “stole” and I had to choose another.

When it is time to open them, we take turns and ooh and ahh at the wonderful, thoughtful gifts that we have all bought one another.  Turns out the first one, that my aunt stole were light weights to use to exercise..  oh yeah, did I mention that two of the women in the circle are trainers, and athletic instructors?..  yeah, there is that..  add to that when my aunt opened her gift my cousin, (the giver of the gift is a secret) said that those were from her and she was glad that I didn’t get the weights..  (which would have been handy)..  she said “because, well..  you know”  I know I am bigger.  I don’t give a shit.  I am fighting a disorder that she would never survive.  I am a warrior.  I don’t need her weights, I needed their support.  I need to use their pool to exercise..  but I would never dare ask.  I don’t know why.  They aren’t mean to me, but I have never been invited once…  so it’s easy to figure that I am not welcome there since I live a minute away and they swim all summer long.  I think they think that my dread locks have bugs.

Don’t hold your breath warriors, no matter how many years go by, no matter how many times they see you walking around doing the “fibro shuffle” , no matter how many times they see you go down…well, hopefully you get more support than I did.  I am hard now because I didn’t get it though, so there is that.  I am glad that most of them turned their backs on me, assuming I was lazy and didn’t want to work…  because now I am hard and I am a warrior and I give my love to the people that deserve it.  You can’t pick your family..  but you can pick how they influence how you feel about yourself.

Fact is, if you have fibromyalgia, I am not telling you to eat whatever you want and let yourself go, no matter how hopeless you may feel at the moment.  What I am telling you is that I gained nearly 100 pounds and one of my major steps with my own body image is to love my body no matter what.  I do have issues with food, I am never hungry except at night.  I have these cravings for candy.  Especially when I don’t feel well I want candy and I want A LOT of candy.

 I am working on changing that circadian rhythm by eating yogurts during the day.  Yogurt is wonderful, it is easy to eat one and it is good for your hoo-ha/vagina/va jay jay/yoni…  whatever you call it, it makes it healthier in every way.  It is good to at least have a healthy snatch.  Everything else is going all to hell, but I eat my yogurt and my snatch is a work of art.

I also drink a lot of water.  I hate water.  Hate drinking it.  I want things to be pleasant.  I want things to be delicious.  There is a solution, even to this one..  Cucumber.  Get some, slice them up and put a few slices in your water, delicious and refreshing and easy to drink a lot of it.

Mostly the message I want you to have is that you must love yourself if you want any sense of yourself back.  You can be happy and have a new life, you just have to find your new parameters.  I like to say it out loud to my hubby or my boys, I say “new rule: no touching snow with my bare hands” and I follow that rule.  By the way, our hands and feet have their own set of interesting problems and putting them on something frozen is a really bad idea.