Tag Archives: body

The Storm

Standard
The Storm

Okay, so my title isn’t exactly brilliant.  The thing is..  I am not brilliant right now.  As a matter of fact I am functioning way at the bottom of the “Normal Function Scale” and I may not make any sense at all.  There is a storm coming and I am in an intense amount of pain.

Hopefully I can articulate what it is that I am feeling because it helps to know that you aren’t alone in feeling certain things.  The thing with Fibro is that we feel these things so intensely sometimes, that it can be really hard to explain to our partners exactly how we feel.  They know that we are suffering but other than that, only others with Fibro can really understand the struggle and the intense, soul sucking pain.

I know that I am supposed to write regularly in my blog, but I cannot.  My heart is in the right place.  I know that I SHOULD do this thing,but I cannot write on command.  It is so difficult to find my voice in the silence that makes up my days.

There is a storm coming.  I was feeling pretty good, then I heard thunder and the pressure of the barometer changing has me feeling like..  Well, I feel like my spine wants to come out and form a tail.  I feel like my arms weigh a ton each and I am so happy that I can slowly type this out on my very small (small so I don’t have to reach ) Chromebook keyboard.

My head, that feels like my face wants to peel off, starting with my forehead.  My legs also feel like they weight a ton and a half.  My skin is burning, sort of.  I feel like I am having a hot flash, although I am only 40 so it isn’t an actual hot flash.  My hands feel like they are sort of asleep, and also really sore, with muscle failure because I am typing.

My feet feel like…  well, they are usually super numb but right now they are burning?  I cannot find words..  electricity in my feet.  Shorting out and shooting invisible sparks that are really uncomfortable and burny.

I make the paragraphs short because it is much easier to read a short paragraph, and I am not sure why.  I know that is a Fibro thing because I used to read so many books the librarians knew me by name and were constantly shocked by how fast I would go through a giant stack.  I don’t do that anymore.  Again, not sure why.

That is a lie, I know why.  I hate to admit it.  I hate it.  I hate that I don’t remember what I read.  My reading comprehension is nearly gone.  I will read the same page over and over and not remember it.  It scares the shit out of me.  I feel really stupid.

Same with movies.  I will totally forget what I watched.  Even if it was last week.  I can watch some things three and four times and still not remember the movie.

I know that a lot of people write about Fibro.  I have this blog because I know that we are all at home, in pain, alone in the silence, and (sort of) scared.  My kids are grown.  My youngest graduates high school in two weeks.  My house is very quiet.

Rule one:  I should always listen to music when I write.

Music helps.  If you let it.  We should really work on that.  Although, even as I say that I don’t want to stop writing long enough to get music going.

The storm…  I have run out of things to say.  I typed this in real time along with my brain flow because I bet that those of you with Fibro will get every single thing.  My seemingly random thoughts and short paragraphs; as well as my grammar and spelling are all because: my brain.  It won’t work while I am in this much pain.

I am concentrating so hard on NOT falling to the floor and screaming that it is exceedingly difficult to write my thoughts as they are so thick and muddy.  Brain fog.  That is what they call it.  I wish it was only fog.  It’s more like Brain Mud, or Brain Tar.

Live to fight another day.  Survive.  Turn on some music.  I will as soon as I am done with this paragraph.  Thanks for reading.  Just know that you aren’t alone.  We are out here.

 

Advertisements

Do I Look Fat to You?

Standard
Do I Look Fat to You?

I was just outside thinking and enjoying the weather.  It is my anniversary weekend with my amazing husband.  We have been married for 19 together for 20.  We have raised two amazing boys.  We love each other.  He loves me, even though I am sick and so many husbands/partners run for the hills when their mate becomes ill.  Not my husband, he works even harder because I have not been able to work.

I was thinking outside about selfies and that people make fun of selfies, but that for someone like me it is a really big deal to post a picture of yourself for everyone to see.

I figure they all three deserve the best version of myself that I can possibly give them.  Back to being outside thinking.  I was thinking about how much weight I have gained, but how lately I have been dieting pretty hard.  I don’t have scales, why upset yourself on purpose?

I know I gain weight by what I can get on..  Like when my underwear starting curling and falling down, I figure I am gaining and it is time for new panties.  That sounds very simple but it has been one of my greatest losses, my thin self.

I have gained around 80 pounds from medication.  My meds all say “will cause weight gain” so I figure that added to the fact that I can barely walk I would indeed gain weight.  I was not prepared for how it would make me feel.  I can’t STOP thinking about my fat chin.  Well, couldn’t..  until recently.

I was out at a bar with my hubby and friends and there was a fluffy lady sitting beside me on a bench outside.  Someone went to take a picture and she shied away and said, “please don’t take a picture of my double chin.” I realized I was sitting right there and didn’t think once about her double chin, even though I was obsessed about mine.  It’s in OUR heads, not others.  It’s about how we perceive things. I told her that.  That I think about mine constantly, but other people don’t look at me and think..  “ooh, double chin”…

Here is the magic part, we get what we put out into the universe.  Like the secret, only not bullshit.  It’s ancient, the thoughts that we have, even if we don’t say them out loud, are our reality.  It’s up to us if we want to change our own reality.

11133840_10206738919857893_8547284107524222527_n

The reason I talked about the selfie is because it may be shameless, but I like that word..  Shameless..  and I also like the fact that I am happy enough with myself to post pics on the internet.  It takes guts to put yourself out there.  So be shameless, post that pic of yourself.

Remember this one thing, it is in your head.  You are in charge.  People absolutely love you, no matter your size.  The people that you love?  They deserve someone who loves themselves.

Everyone Breaks

Standard
Everyone Breaks

I know that it can seem like I have all my shit together (LOL, I left this and came back to it, read that first sentence and nearly pissed myself laughing).  I don’t even come close, ever, to having my shit together.  However, If I have learned all these things about FMS, then I must know how to deal when the metaphorical shit hits the fan.  Truth is, I have no idea how to handle things some days.  Truth is, I lose it..  a lot.  Truth is, I am as broken as I have always been, I simply have learned some tricks to dealing with it so it doesn’t knock me on my butt every single time.

I notice that when I have reached a state of homeostasis..  I feel okay..  things hurt but nothing I can’t deal with..  those are the good times, and even though I hurt, I try.  Example, my sister in law (sister really) is a Zumba instructor.  I went to one of her classes thinking I would give it a try.

I can say a couple of things about this class..  first, my sister is an amazing Zumba instructor.  She is smiling and her energy level is infectious, and she sucks in the people working out like a good musician can.  Women of all sizes, ages, you name it..  they were all there and they were working it.  I was so impressed, not only with my sister, but with the people taking the class.  They love it.

Now, I am sure you are wondering how I did…  Well..  I only sat a few times.  I stood and wiggled my ass a little.  The hip-hop instructor was standing right in front of me and well..  he went hard for two hours, one for zumba, and the other was an hour of hip hop.  Same for my sister.

Even while I type this, though, I remember how I felt.  Not physically..  it is a given I was struggling.  I was watching women twice my age take me to school.  I took dance for 18 years.  FMS has stolen a lot of things from me, and while I like shaking my ass a little and doing what I can; like so many things that FMS has stolen from me, I was incredibly heartbroken to realize just how far gone I really am.

Yes, it was great that I tried, and did the best I could.  However, I mourned the dancer that still lives inside me but cannot get out.  I thought that mourning the life I used to have would be a quick process and I was feeling well over it.  I thought, so I lost these things, so what..?  I took my own advice and I tried new things.

Thing is, I found them.  I can still wire wrap beads and plan to start selling them shortly, as well as my articles being published: Wild Woman article I wrote, as well as another Wild Woman article; which are the best things to happen for me in a really long time.

Lunda-See

Even though these amazing things are going on, I find that I still crack every now and then.  I have accepted that this is how my new life will be from here on out, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck donkey dick.

Here is where I want to add some platitude or cliche that would make it all better, but the fact is… it is entirely up to you whether you will be miserable, or okay.

A lovely friend told me once that she is ok, and that ok is good.  Remember that.  There are times when you are going to feel beaten, broken, lost, and in pain..  So the days when you are ok, BE ok.  Ok is a great thing, that is simply our reality.

I don’t think it sucks at all, because that does nothing for me … for something to suck.. Save that energy for something positive, keep those negative thoughts out of your brain; say fuck it, do what you can, and BE OK.

For example in the past few months my son has wrecked our car, a man pulled a gun on my family and I threw myself in front of it (resulting in pretty major PTSD), I have had to go to court, I have had to take a break from school (which is financial and it’s killing me), and I had to put my dog, my love, whom I had for 13 years to sleep forever.  Every time I think of him, I cry.  It hurts so much.  My house is old and we cannot heat it when it drops below 40 it gets unbearable.  I am sitting in my recliner with my Sophie Dog curled up on my lap, a scarf, hand warmers, and a heated blanket.

I should be miserable…  a lot.  The old me would have been miserable.  Now I realize that I have what I need, my computer which is my connection to the world, a heated blanket, a husband who is at work to support his family, two amazing teenage sons, well, the list is long.  My point is..  I have it real good.  I continue to fight….

10360451_752361218159738_8108200177805790627_n

Things are far from ideal.  For example, I am about to piss myself because I don’t want to upset my lap buddy, or have to sit my ass on the toilet seat that feels like a block of ice.  These are minor issues..  I am OK and OK is good.

Bottom line is this, no matter what, our bodies are different for now, Doctors don’t know how to fix us.  Shit, they really don’t even know what causes most of this shit.  Mourning your old life gets easier with time, but like anything that you mourn, it never really goes away, it just hurts less.  Warriors all we can do is try to smile, laugh and Live Love and Fight like the warrior you are.

How to Christmas When you Have Fibromyalgia…

Standard
How to Christmas When you Have Fibromyalgia…

Yesterday I lost one of my best friends in the whole world.  We had to put Puppy, my little dog, to sleep.  He was crying a lot and he was cold and he gave me 13 years of happiness and joy.  I will miss him forever.  I managed to type that without crying..  Good sign.

Christmas is coming this week.  Just a couple days away.  I usually don’t talk about it or think much about it because every year I was going to places where I didn’t want to be and I was surrounded by people who I don’t like all that much.  This year I am making Christmas suit me and I encourage all you warriors to do the same.  I am seeing the family I want to see, and I am actually excited..  all that because I designed my own ideal Christmas.  I strongly encourage all of you to do the same.

images (2)


I have seen some horrible news on the boards, people dying..  One ladies house was broken into and all her gifts were stolen as well as all the food she had ready to cook on Christmas day.  This is the thing of nightmares.  I cannot watch people suffer so gruesomely and allow my day to be ruined by people that I don’t give a shit about.

Warriors!  We are messed up.  Our brains are a bit broken, and we get all the wrong signals, all the time.  I refuse to suffer all year long, then, on what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year, spending it doing things I don’t want to do.

I know that for some of you simply not going isn’t really an option.  However, make a mental list, or even write it down.  What are the things that you worry will set you off?  Walk away..  go to a different room.  Go outside and connect with the earth.  Breath slowly and picture white light entering the top of your head, traveling down through your body and into the ground.  Do this for at least three minutes.  Breath and connect..  breath and connect..  Then try and deal again.

If this isn’t working, leave early.  Claim an upset stomach.  whatever you do DO NOT let those around you make you feel guilty for being ill.  They have no idea what it is like and they can kiss your ass if they want to make you feel small for what is a HUGE issue that stole your life.

Yes, fibro steals your life as you knew it.  Most days I talk about how to help mourn those losses and have a happy life, this post is about having a good Christmas.  People are dying, getting robbed, getting arrested…  this means if your day starts normally you are already having a better day than a lot of warriors.

Protect yourself.  If you have a shit day everyone in your immediate family will too.  They are the most important.  If you have to lock the doors and stay home, do that.  Make Christmas a good day, no matter the steps you must take.

I Need an Adult!

Standard
I Need an Adult!

I already typed this entire post..  but I hit the wrong button and lost the whole thing.  That is okay.  Maybe this one will be better.  First, I want to talk about fibro and how if I get worked up, no matter if it is happy, sad, mad, excited, or scared..  it all ends up in the same place, one of those flare ups where you can’t finish a sentence or even have a complete thought.

I know that I have a point of no return.  Emotionally, if I reach this point I know that if I don’t relax and ground myself immediately I am in trouble.  I never ground myself..  I can’t think clearly enough at the time to do so.  This is about as chaotic as my body gets.

You would think since we have to fight this all out war against our own bodies, that we should at least be able to feel things without ending up in a mumbling painful puddle on the floor.  Some of you warriors may be able to do this.  I cannot.  If I am excited or angry or mad it all goes to the same place..  drooling on the floor having spasms.

Okay, not that bad but I end up not being able to finish my sentences and being really jumpy and short with everyone.

We are leaving soon for holiday family time in Ohio.  I am very excited..  but I have to carefully govern that feeling..  if I don’t wham…  floor/pain/can’t think..  you get the picture.

It is patently unfair that we are not even allowed to feel much or it takes this downward spiral..

Our bodies are the epitome of chaos.  At least, that is what it feels like to us.  The reason that I have this blog is less about shoving platitudes down your throats and more about making all warriors feel less alone..  Feel less like they are chaos incarnate.

That said, though, we never know if we are going to lose our ability to walk while in a store..  or have one of those shooting pains that makes one yell out… or be able to wake up and walk tomorrow… showers are a special kind of hell..  I have almost forgotten what it is like to feel refreshed after taking a shower.  Now I am simply exhausted.  It is better to forget.

This is chaos.  However, we can try to figure out where our line is.  You know the one..  the point of no return; when you get so worked up that you end up in a flare.  I haven’t found mine yet.  It might be one of the many things that are out of our hands.

If so, I suppose I have to accept that no matter what I am feeling, if I am feeling a lot of it I am going to start to shake, my thoughts fuzz up, and I have to be in a quiet place where I can’t embarrass myself or those around me.

This is why I feel like I need an adult.  I am almost 40 years old, but I know enough about this disorder to know that “I need an adult” when I am in a certain state.

I am lucky to have one in the form of my husband and my boys (who are teens).  Now I can enjoy Walmart, and NOT come home with 5 dozen eggs because we were having a party.  Yeah, that happened..  for real.

I keep the size TEN shoes (I am an 8) to remind myself that I cannot be trusted to shop.  I get overwhelmed and since decisions are already nearly impossible, picking out a pair of shoes can be as impossible as starting to fly.

So, there you have it..  emotions can lead to a flare, even the good ones..  Warriors, remember you are never alone and always, always remember to Live, Love, and Fight…

Obsessions, I Cannot Stop Obsessing

Standard
Obsessions, I Cannot Stop Obsessing

Today, I am writing about obsessing.  I am not clear on whether or not we obsess because it is part and parcel of FMS, or if we obsess because we lose our ability to live the way we used to.  I spend a lot of time sitting and thinking.  I catch myself watching things out of my window, or staring into space.  I am sure that I am not the only one to experience this.

When every single thing, showers, driving, walking, etc; makes me tired I simply have too much time on my hands.  I don’t have television, but I make up for that with Netflix and Hulu.  I have school, and I spend as much time as possible working on assignments.  However, I have learned that after a certain amount of time that what I am reading or doing for school turns into sounding like the teacher from Charlie Brown in my head I am forced to take a break.

It could be, that because we have such a hard time remembering things, we obsess over the things that we know we must not forget, no matter what.  This still doesn’t work.  I still forget things all the time.  Thoughts are like the wind, you touch them for a moment and then they are gone.  I have found that if I stay quiet long enough, they will come back.  Not every time, mind you.  However, every once in a while when I hit the verbal speed bumps, if I take a moment the thought will come back.

Perfect example: As I was writing this, I was thinking about my music selection for the day.  By the time I got to google, I forgot what I was doing.  One button, well..  ok..  two..  and I forgot what it was I wanted when I got there.  That one JUST happened.

10624772_554770714666560_1097272817304852752_n

Even if I don’t know where the thoughts are coming from I still know surely I am not the only one with this issue.  I know a few tips for helping.  A small hand held game, puzzle games are great.  They are distracting and they help exercise our brains.  Try not to binge watch television, if you can.  It is a wonderful distraction and you must save that pleasure for the days that you are truly spent.  The days that you have no choice.  Screw it..  lay down and rest.

I obsess over things because I am alone and I have no one to talk to, except the dogs.  Women need to talk about their stuff.  It is how we were built.  When we were gathering and having babies in the woods we needed empathy for one another, we needed to talk through our shit, we needed interaction and communication.

i-will-not-obsess...funny-fridge-magnet-4300-p

I am battling my body in a war that no one can see, and only other warriors understand.  I think it is normal for us to obsess over our bodies which would then translate into obsessing over other things.  I am quite sure it is habitual.  I don’t know how to advise you all on how to stop because I haven’t figured that out yet myself.  I will share it the moment I figure it all out.

Tests have proven that social interaction is extremely important in a humans overall well being.  Cognitively it is important that we have interaction with other humans.  I made my FMS page for laughs, and for a spot where warriors can go to chat so they won’t be alone.