Tag Archives: family

I hurt so Badly. Why Can’t you be Kind?

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I hurt so Badly.  Why Can’t you be Kind?

Hello fellow warriors and friends.  I write this today as a result of the things that went on yesterday here at my house.  I live in the country, with grass and hills that make even a walk outside impossible.  I can go outside and sit on my porch (I am right now) but I can’t go anywhere else because I still don’t have my car.  I am miserable and getting worse by the day.  Yesterday I broke.

They are trying.  See, I live with men.  Two sons and a husband.  They are trying to get our other two vehicles on the road but because of how expensive that is in Pennsylvania it is taking months before we have the money.   So, I am stuck here.  I have been for years.

I don’t complain much.  According to my husband, I am some sort of crazy person who loses my shit all the time.  Same with my oldest son.  The things is, though, is that I do not.  Yesterday I cried because I am so sad and miserable and I have been trying to hide it from everyone, especially myself. The problem is that every time I have a feeling about something I am “crazy”.

I have been binge watching television.  That is about it.  I cruise around my laptop to facebook and reddit.  I have been desperately trying to distract myself, to no avail.  I still feel like a miserable lump.

Now, I know that there are a lot of women with fibro who have no one.  Or whose husbands are just horribly mean and abusive..  No way is my situation worse, or even as bad as that.  But the reality is, is that everyone has their own demons; they have their own struggle.  My struggle is that my husband has no compassion.

He admits that he has none.  When I was crying yesterday because I am so miserable, sore, and bored he got mad at me.  He gets angry when I cry.  He is never sweet, or caring.  In those dark moments I am on my own.  It would be easier if I didn’t know for a fact that he is capable of it.

This is not to say he doesn’t help in other ways.  He is wonderful.  Him and the boys do their own laundry, they help with dishes.  I know that for the most part I am blessed.  I make sure he knows I feel that way nearly every day.  I do NOT take that for granted.

But the dark times?  The really dark times, when I feel like I am slipping again.  When I am wondering if I still want to live at all?  In those moments I need him the most and he is just angry.  I told him he couldn’t understand what it is like to be housebound and that made him mad too.  He won’t help me because I said that.  That is the excuse this time.  Of course he can’t understand, he has NEVER been housebound.  I don’t understand what he does at work every day..  at all..  how can this be the reason your shutting me out and hurting me worse?

I don’t know if anyone will read this..  I just needed to get it out.  I am so sad and I want my husband to hug me when I cry..  how is that too much to ask?

So, right now I am broken.  I am desperately trying to pick up a craft or color, but then I just don’t..  I keep doing the same thing..  over and over.

I am really angry with myself.  I am angry at so many things.  I am pissed that I cannot walk around my own lawn.  I miss my old life sometimes.  These are the reasons that I am freaking out.  This is permanent and dammit, I am going to suffer and break and I need my partner to help me put myself back together again.

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Fibromyalgia: The Thing we Don’t Talk About

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Fibromyalgia:  The Thing we Don’t Talk About

Ok.  One day while I was on Christmas vacation I read an article on my phone.  It was titled “Fibromyalgia and aging” so I wondered what I was in for and I read it.  Thing is, it talked about our grey matter in our brains.  It wasn’t about aging and what fibro does.  It was about how our brains are aging.  Everyone loses grey matter, we lose it at a rate that is 3.5 times faster than healthy people.

I tried to off myself.  I thought that this is it.  Here I am fighting this nightmare of a condition every single day and now I find out that I am going to end up like my grandmother..  only WAY earlier than it hit her.  I spent days in a mental hospital and they let me come home.  I am no longer a suicide risk.

How have I dealt with it since?  Well..  I really haven’t.  It’s still there.  This huge fact that I can’t even talk to anyone about because it is too awful and no one knows what to say.  It’s like when someone dies..  what can you say?  Sorry?  That sucks?  None of those things seem right.  Certainly, none of them help.

I have to help myself.  I have to stop the damaging thoughts.  I have to remember that this is out of my hands and I have years left.  I can spend those years freaking out about losing my shit or I can spend them having as much fun as I can possibly have .  I chose the second.

I don’t have to worry about damaging my brain..  it’s doing that all on it’s own.  That is freeing.

Here is the thing.  I don’t want anyone who reads this to get to the point that I was at.  Maybe this will make you cry.  Maybe it will blow your mind, or maybe you already knew.  Either way, DO NOT let this make you suicidal.  First of all, it’s a lot harder than you think to commit suicide.  Secondly, it is selfish as hell and you should look forward to the times ahead.  It can be happy.  You can have fun..  you just have to figure out how fun can happen around your symptoms.

I have noticed when my brain fog is bad I am easier on myself about it.  Fuck it..  I forgot words, or that I had something cooking in the oven..  at least I am still functional..  if not highly functional..  I still got it.

Never forget that every single day counts.  I have had writers block because this is the story that wanted to come out. I had to write and share this because we should all know everything we can possibly know about this fucking shit we call fibromyalgia.

I didn’t want to write this, because I don’t want to do to someone what I did to myself.  Please don’t go there.  I won’t say some shit like, “you have so much to live for” because let’s be honest, it sucks to live with this shit.  On the other hand, I love my life and you can love yours too, you simply have to work it.  Do what you can when you can.

Change your expectations of yourself.  You aren’t the same and it is okay.  You rock just like you are and all you have to do is let yourself know that.

I love you all and please feel free to message me if you wanna chat.

 

 

But I am Terrified to Answer the Phone..

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How do you explain to someone that you are terrified to answer your phone?  This could be a number we don’t know, or one that we do.  I know for me, sometimes even if I know the person, love the person, and want nothing more than to talk to them, I get railroaded by this terror that stops me from answering as well as calling them back.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I know if I am not typing I often lose track of the conversation and it has gotten bad enough that I don’t like talking on the phone at all.  In person is different, you can see me trying to find my words.  On the phone however, I just sound like I need a rubber room.

This is why I type, because I can generally keep up with my brain that way.  My brain races so fast that the only way for me to effectively communicate is by typing.  Even then I do what I call “running out of words” or “being broken”.  This occurs when I have been straining pretty hard mentally.  It’s like BAM out of order.

outside-the-box

I am a proponent for reaching outside of your boundaries and trying new things.  This is where I draw a line.  You are allowed to have those.  Boundaries that you know will remain difficult for you.

I hate loud noises and they make me fall down..  slowly…

I hate bright light, again, I fall down.

Crowds, NOPE

I suppose if we were doing 50 shades of grey this would be the hard limits.  Don’t get too rigid, this is a bouncy list..  There is no way that you can avoid being triggered, the best that we can do is our best and that is it.

If you are surrounded by people that care about you they will see you trying.  I didn’t think mine would, but they did.  That by itself soothed a lot of bad memories and feelings and we are all closer than ever.

For the people who still think that we are weak, or lying, making this up, need to lose weight, you name it..  for all those people we need to fight to be the best version of ourselves.  I love all the ladies on my page Fibromyalgia can be funny group on facebook.  We share our lives and help each other.  All these groups are wonderful.  In my post about screw the Facebook is Fake group I included links to the other groups.  I may have missed a couple..

Click here to check out that other post

Always remember, warriors…  live, love, and fight like you mean it.  Don’t let this crap get you down.  Do something that makes you laugh.  Hug someone you love, even if it hurts a little.  I hate the mental box..  let’s kick it down and run, well okay, walk…  slowly… looking a little bit funny… and discover what we are capable of now.

Family Love, Hate, Pain and Fibromyalgia..

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Family Love, Hate, Pain and Fibromyalgia..

Knowing that your blood relations think you are a giant ass hole is one thing.  Hearing from someone that I AM what they talk about, daily, is a whole other ball game.  My heart wants to break, but I am here with family that lives 15 hours away, but I get to spend a whole week surrounded by unconditional love.  One of them reminded me that it is most certainly their problem pointed out how much power I have because I am what they talk about.

So instead of a broken heart I have fingers to type with.  I have no contact with any of them.  I have blocked them from my Facebook.  I am a liberal hippy living in a republican, redneck, Amish area..  and the people that hurt me the most.  The people that have the most to say about me..  well they are the ones that are related.

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I have done nothing to earn their ire.  Apparently everything I post everywhere gets shown around and talked about.

This news has caused me to flare pretty spectacularly.  My mind though, that is calm.  If they would only not call my children little fuckers.  If only they just hated me.  We moved here so that my kids could grow up with extended family around and it has turned into a nightmare for my kids and my husband.

We moved a few years ago so that we literally live within a mile of them, yes, all of them.  I haven’t done a thing.  Years ago when the fibro started to get worse; I wrote a scathing post on facebook and I said some things that were not fair.  I apologized.  Since then, I have barely spoken to them, let alone done something so awful that I am what they talk about.  I am what they fill their days with..  Honestly, that is fucking hilarious.  It makes me sad for them that I am how they fill their hours.

That said, I have left them alone.  I talk about being hurt by my family..  I have been hurt..  so hurt.  I used to talk about them turning their backs when I needed them the most.  It hurt so much that they thought I was such a piece of shit that I was faking an disorder that has ruined my life and the lives of my children and my husband.

I don’t talk about them, except with my husband and those conversations go something like this..  “Blah Blah, they said this today”  “?????….?????” “that is just insane”..  I am not afraid to say the wrong thing in anything that I post, but as hard as I try I cannot escape the things that they say, people tell me what they say.

I ignore them because I know they make me flare.  Yet, no matter how I try things get back to me.  Horrible things about me and my kids.

As I write this I go back and forth from being hurt to not giving into what I feel.  I think about them calling my son a little fucker and I want to tear shit apart.  These are wasted emotions.  I must allow them to wash through me..  I have to feel them.  Holding that shit in will give you cancer (in my opinion).

I tell all my readers, warriors to let it go.  You are better than this.  You have so much worth, don’t let people who think nothing of hurting your soul do exactly that.  I have to let this go.  This is another one of those lessons that we are doomed to repeat.

When a child is developing, which is when all these family members were kind to me, it sticks in your schemas.  It makes you seek their approval, even when you are an adult and it is the last thing you want to do.

It is part of you..  part of your brain..  you love them..  you want their love, like you remember..  But they not only turn their backs, sometimes they continue to say horrible things about you and your family.  This can be so incredibly painful, one of the hardest things to deal with when the fibro monster hits.

Just know, once again, you are not alone.  When your disorder is invisible you find out who truly loves you and who is going to be a source of some of the worst pain you have ever felt.

We WILL continue to LIVE LOVE and FIGHT the pain…  Try to let it go…  don’t give in and let them get what every bully wants, and that is a reaction.

Family and Pain and Fibromyalgia.. Lessons I Learned

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Family and Pain and Fibromyalgia..  Lessons I Learned

There are so many facets of relationsips with your family, it’s almost endless.  I am with the other side of the family today.  The one’s that we only get to see at Christmas.  I wish I could be with family like this instead of the judgmental mess I currently have.

I have one brother, at home, whom I love with all my heart.  His kids are amazing and I love them so much.  My mom is pretty great.  She is there for us, no matter what.

If not for my mother I would be strung out on heroin, lost my children, and never been able to fix my marriage in a time of crisis for us.  My mother is the most angelic person I know, and with her it isn’t an act, it is her true nature.  I know that I get my drive to do the right thing from my mom.  She is the most selfless person I know and I am so proud that she is my mama.

That said, being around this side of the family half of me feels so much sadness that it feels like it might wash me under.

The other half of me feels so loved and accepted that I never want to leave.

I cannot be myself around any of the people at home.  They don’t really know, they cannot know me, they will never understand me.  I can’t let my mother know me, she would be heartbroken that I am certainly (in her world) going to her hell.  I love my mother too much for her to worry that I may go to hell.  No matter that I don’t agree with her views on religion, I can deal with that quietly enough…  I simply don’t want to worry my mom.

It is so refreshing that yesterday I went with everyone to go see the new building that my sister in law bought to use as an exercise studio.  She does Zumba, and has hip hop classes and yoga.  It is wonderfully done.  It is beautiful.  I walked in with her and her mama.  I watched her mama have a very dignified SQUEEEE proud of my baby moment and I loved it with every fiber of my being.

Then I remembered telling my mother about the warriors when they send me thank you notes, or when one says to me
“I felt alone until now”.  She acknowledges it, however, with nary a nod of the head.  I wanted so badly, when I told her I was published on Wild Woman, for her to have a squee moment.

I woke up today determined not to compare one with the other.  Things are how they are, and instead of feeling sad because we are so far away from the people that would never consider missing my kid in a play, or missing him at a football game when he is the Drum Major…. I must be happy to have this time now.  Fill up my love meter.  Remember throughout the year that these people exist and hope with all my heart to move closer so we can see more of the people that are simply too far away.

I see so many warriors whom have been hurt by those they love.  Don’t allow that sort of behavior.  We have to work so hard to walk, talk, make sense, etc..  the least they can do is join with you in that journey.  If they don’t, walk away.  It hurts and it sucks for a while, but once you heal a bit you realize that they were simply holding you back from healing your heart.

Concerning my brother..  he works very hard and he and I are inseparable.  I love him and his wife and his kids so much.  They are wonderful and I am so thankful for them because they do show for my kid.  I don’t get to see him much because he and his friends are very different from me.  We are like oil and water, and as much as I want more time with him I am grateful for the time that I have.

I suppose the purpose of writing this is to point out that we  all have those that we should never take for-granted.  We know the dark side of those we thought loved us.  We have been so fucking hurt by people who are supposed to care.  Always remember, that even if your loved ones are on the internet..  they still exist.  We exist.  I fight for all of us.

You are NOT ALONE…

Fibromyalgia and Abuse.. Please Don’t Hurt me Anymore

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Fibromyalgia and Abuse..  Please Don’t Hurt me Anymore

Once again, I am inspired by what I have read on the boards today.  A lot of warriors are talking about their loved ones treating them horribly.  I am not talking about the post I did about extended family not understanding.  I am talking about your partner, the person that is supposed to love you no matter what.

I have seen several ladies talking about everything from their partner acting like an ass hole all the time, to straight up abuse with severe violence.

I can go back to the post I did about having this horrible shit and feeling so guilty for putting your loved ones through having a sick wife/mother/father, what have you.  Guilt will get you nowhere and if you plan on making a new path for yourself, that includes fibro you have to forgive yourself first, for being sick.  It’s incredibly difficult and I still battle with feeling inferior and like I owe them something because I got sick.

You didn’t sign up for this..  You did not make any deals with the devil..  you GOT sick, it is out of your hands.  Instead of feeling shitty for feeling like this hold something beautiful in your hands.  Something positive.  I know that some days that is impossible..  but like I said, guilt will get you nowhere…

If you are being abused, physically or emotionally, you DO NOT deserve it.  I know that my words can’t convince you if you are in the deep pit of despair that fibro wants us to live in.  However, we all know what pit of despair I speak of..  If you are fighting your body every single day it is hard not to tip into the pit.

So take a day.  Feel sorry for yourself.  You deserve it.  Get it out of your system..  Pick yourself up..  and keep going.

Most importantly is this:  DO NOT STAY if you are being hit, or screamed at by your loved ones.  Yeah, one of my boys and my hubby struggled with it and treated me bad and said horrible things, but it wasn’t abuse..  those were fights.  Most of the time they are wonderful and supportive..  we all have to mourn the life we used to have, and so do the people closest to you.

I will repeat, fights are one thing.  You know if you are being abused, no matter how far in the pit you are.  There is a voice in the back of your head telling you that this is wrong.

If you are scared of your partner, get the fuck out NOW.  If you have kids and your partner is hitting you, get the fuck out NOW.  If you don’t think you have anywhere to go call the United Way number for your area if you are in the United States.  They will be able to help you find a shelter, or help, depending on what you need.

Remember this, over everything else I have said…  You did not ask for this.  I am proof that your life can get better.  Mine did.  However, if you are being abused remember, you did not ask to be sick.  It’s like you just got a foot of snow..  you didn’t fucking do that, any more than you made yourself sick.

Live, Laugh, and Love my wonderful warriors.  Stay strong, and sorry for the F bombs but I feel very strongly about this one.

What it is Really Like to Have Fibromyalgia

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What it is Really Like to Have Fibromyalgia
So, how in the hell are we supposed to explain to our loved ones just how sick we are, if we cannot think of the words to describe it all?  FMS is widespread pain.  Other people go to the doctor and they point at the chart and asks us to give them a number between one and ten for their pain.  They get to do that.  For example, “my tummy is an 8” or “My broken arm is a 7”.
FMS warriors ask themselves..  “which pain?” Because our whole body hurts.  I told my doctor that we should change it to “How bad does it all suck today?” and he agreed.  I know that we get frustrated with our docs, and trust me, they are just as frustrated as we are.
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What does it really feel like, every single day, to have fibromyalgia?  Millions of us suffer from it.  American doctors still want to tell us that it is caused by depression; this is incorrect in the extreme.  That is for another post though, this one is about what it is really like.
First of all, we wake up.  If we have slept at all; insomnia is one of the main issues with fibromyalgia.  I will switch now to what it is like for me, because this is the one that I know the best.
After waking I take inventory of all my bits.  I figure out if standing up is going to be a good plan at this point.  If standing seems possible I force myself to an upright position.
When my children are at home I feed off of their energy and before I even have a chance to think about being calm I am bombarded with TESTOSTERONE and angst.  I have learned that when they are here, I must be extra careful and I MUST speak up about the things that displease me.  If they want to get mad, they can go to their rooms.  I am the one suffering here, I don’t ask them for much, but if they want to pull some teenage douche-baggery I will insist they go away from me to do that.
Long ago I stopped feeling guilty for being a “sick mom” because I figured out that I am their mom.  I have to deal with what I have, and as long as I try that is all my husband and sons want.  Guilt is a huge part of this process and that means that we are not being fair to ourselves.  Love the new you, and those around you will do the same.
Okay, back to after I wake up.  I make my coffee.  This is an issue for several reasons.  First, my arms are all strange and numb and they don’t want to listen to my brain; and second those damn filters are almost impossible to pull apart.  I have cried only twice..  but it is so frustrating when all you want is your coffee and you can’t even get a filter out.
If I manage to get a filter and I don’t break the carafe the coffee is done and I take my morning pills.  I go to smoke my morning cigarette and play Puzzles and Dragons on my phone until I feel like I can check all my bits again.  Oh, go ahead and judge me for smoking cigarettes.  I have tried to quit.  I won’t give any excuses; I keep failing to quit.
Now, this morning I woke up with an interesting new pain.  In both of my hips.  I walk a little bit like I am stuck to a chair and trying to walk..  that is the shape that I am in when I am walking.  Hey, maybe if I did glue a seat to my ass I would be able to rest easier.  Obviously, that was my sad attempt at humor.
Now, my legs and feet are very similar to my hands and arms.  They feel like they are asleep and if I don’t watch them when I am walking they cannot be trusted and like my arms which also cannot be trusted seem to have a mind of their own and they must be watched carefully.
If I don’t intensely concentrate on the task I am doing it would be a disaster.  I am not talking higher mathematics or physics here, just my arms and hands; my legs and my feet.  If I don’t concentrate I will go down, I will knock things all over the place.  I am HULK SMASH if a bug lands on me and I didn’t see it coming.
I startle very easily, like a deer in the woods.  If I could actually walk, I would be kick ass if the zombie apocalypse comes…  alas, in my current condition, I shall be the distraction food so the others can get away.
I accept this.  I am okay with the fact that for some reason I am one in over a million people that have this life stealing disorder.  I encourage readers of my blog to tell people they have a neurological disorder.  This is not a lie.  When I tell people I have fibromyalgia they immediately tune out.
Screw that mess, neurological condition, and then they will try to help you instead of looking at you like you are out of your ever-loving mind.
The hardest part, for me, was grieving for the life I used to have.  I was a dancer, I was healthy, I was a retail manager, I was thin and in shape.  Then one day I noticed that my arms were getting tired very quickly when I held them up for too long.  Then I started to get shooting pains in my back that were so extreme I would call out and fall down.  Then I started doing the fibromyalgia shuffle walk.  It was not long before I had to quit my job.
I thought I would be fine.  I thought that I could sell my jewelry that I was making, the purses I was sewing, or the bracelets that I was making.  Then my hands went numb.
I lost the ability to do every single thing I loved.  I grieved those losses.  Like any loss, though, one must pick oneself up and brush off the dirt and using baby steps get to know the new person that has developed as a result of fibromyalgia.
Do not get me wrong here, I grieve all the time for the things I no longer have.  However I only let myself have a few minutes of that before I force myself to write.. create some earrings (which I can do), or walk my spiritual path, or play puzzles on my phone, or binge watch a silly show on Hulu or Netflix.  I do not recommend the last one, it doesn’t help the brain exercise like other things you could do.  Don’t get me wrong, I watch a lot of both.  Some days you just have to disconnect.
I can’t cook myself lunch, because I will forget that I am cooking something and ruin it.  I also have to be very careful of what I eat when here alone because swallowing is very difficult.  All part of the melange of things that are FMS.
I have gotten vertigo twice.  When people talked to me years ago about vertigo I didn’t get it.  I thought, so you get dizzy…  I get dizzy if I spin, what is the big deal?  Well, I can tell you it is life altering.  The entire universe slips sideways and upside down.  It feels like you are rolling down the hill in a barrel, except you are laying on the floor.
It has caused me to be afraid to drive or even go out alone, lest it happen and people panic and call an ambulance, or Goddess help me,  I get into a car wreck because I break and can no longer operate a vehicle..
If you are a warrior and you are fighting these battles, you must find your new purpose.  Getting to know yourself in your new body is the first step.  Today, for example, I know the hip pain is new and I am having shooting pains in my back, they are so intense I yell out.  My kid is here because of the snow..  he knows that when I yell HELP that I need a person.  If my noises are eek, ouch, shit, or any other number of phrases; he knows that I do not need assistance, as it is only a pain from nowhere.
Every single thing is a challenge.  Taking a shower is a challenge.  My ears ringing for four years straight…  challenge.  Falling all the time..  well I know those are coming so I mostly make it down slowly.  Getting back up can be a challenge, because my arms are as sore as my legs, there is nowhere someone can grab me to help me up that doesn’t hurt.  I roll with it now.  I cannot change it, I must make the best of things.
My mental state is a challenge and controlling the urge to scream and rant all day comes with a price.  This condition causes you to concentrate on not letting yourself feel the war that you are waging with your own body.  When the kids get home and bombard me with questions, or complaints about their days I shut down almost right away.
It is like a tidal wave of information and my brain just says NOPE.  My kids are older and understand that when I grab the bridge of my nose it means to slow down, that I am thinking.  I don’t know how to help those with younger children..  but you have to work and figure it out.  I did and it helps a lot.
Do I cry and want to give up?  I had one of those days yesterday.  I thought I was a drain of resources that should go to the healthy people in my family.  It makes my husband really mad when I say that out loud.  I am finding my worth, that is a challenge as well.  Finding my worth here and in the outside world, no matter what, that is essential to my growth.
Finally, connecting to the earth’s energy.  Aligning my chakras daily and meditating.   All of these things are a challenge, but what is the worst that can happen?  I promise you this works.  It is how I slowed down.  Reiki, and grounding myself as often as I can.
I am already in pain all the time..  I take baby steps and remember, always remember, that I am worth something.  I can help people.  I have a husband that loves me in spite of all my crazy and two amazing kids.
Following is what I wrote when I was flaring really hard.  In my own words, in the middle of a flare I wrote this.  Please, let your loved ones read this as well.

Inside the Mind of me..  right now

I write this with great speed, because I shall lose my train of thought any second.  Inside my brain, right now..  I reset every 30 seconds or so.  It is like a bad acid trip all the time.
 
My skin burns, and I wonder at the fact that it doesn’t feel hot to the touch.  I wonder if I just stepped in piss or if the tempurature is different because my hands and feet are numb.

Typing is impossible.  Thinking is impossible.  I must rest for the game later.  I know I am not doing my homework and I cannot bring myself to care long enough to push myself through.  I remember that I forgot..  Then I remember that I am forgetting, then it starts back over in my  head.

Shaking hands, quickly now..  before it is too late and I have done a master re-boot.  I wonder if I get tasered..  I wonder if it is that simple
 
Living your best life.  fighting the darkness..  fight on..  live to fight another day.  Wonder of wonders..  I tried it..  You cannot stop the darkness..  You learn to live the darkness, balance the darkness.  No rest, no sleep..  we fight.

Wait..  hang on..  what was I just saying?

I am not a Suicide Bomber, I am a Mother

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I am not a Suicide Bomber, I am a Mother

I am not a suicide bomber..  but I am a mother.  It is kind of the same thing.  In one, you strap a bomb to yourself and you die for a cause, you give all of yourself to the cause and you lose everything including your life.  Being a full time stay at home mother who has given nearly 18 full years to two humans has taken me away from myself.  I have been blown to bits in the wind, because now they don’t need me and without that job, what else is there?

To be fair, I have had severe fibromyalgia for 6 years.  It is tough overcoming having a sick mom.  I am digging myself out of a hole they can’t even see is there.  They know that I seem better, but of course they may never see the work I am doing on myself.  They might not even notice because they aren’t in a war with their own bodies every single day.

Much like a bomb would, they sometimes rip my heart out.  I literally threw myself on a gun to protect them.  This wasn’t even a week ago.  I am so used to putting everyone ahead of myself.  I was to be the only one shot that night because meh…  who cares about me?

I was just talking to my best friends, in a chat we have had for months and months on Facebook.  They reminded me that while it was what every mother would have done; it was a matter of myself feeling like the one with no worth, the one the world could do without.

I was upset, I am very scatter brained.  Then I realized that I had done it.  I had lost myself, because of guilt over an illness that is not my fault.  That doesn’t make any damn sense does it?  I did nothing to get Fibromyalgia, doctors don’t even know where it comes from.  Yet the guilt I feel has driven me below ground, feeling like my life is unimportant.  No…  no way, we gotta work on that one… IMMEDIATELY

I have worked hard to overcome this condition, I don’t care who notices, I don’t care that they don’t notice the work I have done on myself.  I simply have to remember that I do count.  That I am someone.

I need to create my own self worth again.  I need to find it.  I blog for fibromyalgia because I have figured stuff out..  I help people.  Every single day.  That is worth.

I say I hate money, yet because I bring none in, I let it steal my sense of self-worth.  I hate money and I don’t care if I never make another dime. It certainly should have nothing to do with my value.

Self-worth is knowing that you have an important mission in your life and maybe all mothers feel this ripping feeling when their kids are 18 and acting like ass holes.  Maybe all moms feel like, “holy shit, I gave my life to that human and they are hurting me and breaking my heart, I must have done something wrong”.

I am not a suicide bomber and I am not a pushover.  It may take a while to feel like I am worth something, but work on it I shall.  Watch out world, this bitch is just getting started.

Every mother needs to keep a locked box in her head, where she keeps herself.  Don’t lose yourself to your job, or your kids, or your partner..  It is really hard to get that self back once you let go.

 

Forget Everything you Thought you Knew… Inspiration

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Forget Everything you Thought you Knew… Inspiration

Some moderators on different pages make me feel like I am on some sort of mission to “promote” my blog.  No. Promotion involves money.  I don’t want any of that.  I just want to help.  I won’t lie, I love seeing my stats when they are jumping higher than I could have imagined…  only because that is more people that I was able to help.  Here is my reaction to jumping 200 posts overnight

Now, let’s get down to the meat and potatoes of what I really wanted to say in this post.

I have seen many women warriors lately who talk about giving up, they talk about not being able to get out of bed, they talk about having no reason to live.  My reaction to that is the following:

So today I took the bull by the horns and I did a project that I have been putting off forever.  See, I get it that when preparing to do a project the idea of gathering the supplies and finding a good spot are usually what stop me.

Not today..  What I said in that video is real.  It is so fucking hard to have this disorder, and you are only making it worse if you let it win.  You can live with it.  No, I am not one of those that only have pain and the Doc said it’s FMS..  I have it..  hardcore..

But I did it, and so can you.  Here are pics of what I did today:

They started out looking like this...  all green...

They started out looking like this… all green…

So, as well as going to bed early so I can get up and get as much daylight as possible…  I wanted to have some living things and color on the window where I sit most of the time.

So I painted the pots..

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I didn’t care about the mistakes, they dried looking awesome… Then I put some stickers on them

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Now I have shiny butterflies, living plants, and color in my life..  getting ready for the upcoming fibro winter wonderful…  okay fuck that..  it sucks, don’t touch the snow with your bare hands, you will regret it..  I can say that I highly recommend the two things I talked about here.

First of all, if you can, stay awake when it is light out..  DO IT.  Secondly, bring some houseplants into your universe..  Get some super cheap pots and play with paint.  Don’t try to paint like you used to..  won’t work and you will get sad..  just have fun..  forget everything you think you know and just go for it.

My point?  Make yourself do it..  take shortcuts, do it the easy way..  just stay busy because sitting around thinking about how shit you feel isn’t going to help you or the people you love.

Death Preferable Over Fibro Suffering?

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Death Preferable Over Fibro Suffering?

I have seen way too many posts this morning where women are talking about killing themselves in roundabout ways, but still..  Don’t let this condition be the reason you die.  You can live with this.  You just have to find your new path, like I did.

I know that some of you may be alone, and see no other way out..  Here’s the thing about that… What do you prove by giving up?  Also, you are going to let this shit make you give up?

Fucking fight..  we fight..  I fight.  I have to.  I have found a new path, it took me 6 years.  It is hard to step out of that misery ball and make a life for yourself, but you fucking damn well can do it.

All the warriors need to stick together.  I am writing papers, and soon I will start to get media attention to our cause, I just need to figure out how first.  But you can bet your ass that I will.

One last thing in this post… There are people who are dying who would gladly take a lifetime of pain if only they could live.

You absolutely have to remember that even though fibro isn’t caused by depression, our thoughts and our state of mind have a lot to do with how we feel.  If you feel like all is lost, it effects the fibro nerves and effects how you feel.  This is true..

Think about when you are laughing…  You can bring the severity of your symptoms  down just by changing your thoughts, dig yourself out of that bubble, no one is going to do it for you…  But you can do it, even alone..  maybe especially if you are alone..  I cannot count the number of times that my sons have triggered a flare…

Life is still what you make of it..  I started by not thinking about my pain in an inhibitory thing.  I started baby steps out of the bubble of misery that I was in.  I failed..  a lot..

You should really watch that if you haven’t…  it’s a FAIL….  It happens, those sneakers cost me 130 bucks, years ago..  but still, they were mint condition…  now they smell really bad..

Loss?  Shoes, pride..  Gained?  My first video for creating my VLOG here..  and a funny story as well as a funny video on Youtube…

Life is what you make it, even if you have to make it around this condition.  It is possible to get to a happy place, at least a place where you are OK..  just follow along, keep reading my blog because I am still working out a timeline and figuring the steps that I took to get here.

Don’t give up and don’t be selfish, because suicide when you aren’t dying?  Selfish..  period.

Join the fight, help others however you can..  it means everything.  Don’t give up, get up, don’t think about what hurts, just get up and do one thing today that you haven’t done in a very long time.