Okay, so my title isn’t exactly brilliant. The thing is.. I am not brilliant right now. As a matter of fact I am functioning way at the bottom of the “Normal Function Scale” and I may not make any sense at all. There is a storm coming and I am in an intense amount of pain.
Hopefully I can articulate what it is that I am feeling because it helps to know that you aren’t alone in feeling certain things. The thing with Fibro is that we feel these things so intensely sometimes, that it can be really hard to explain to our partners exactly how we feel. They know that we are suffering but other than that, only others with Fibro can really understand the struggle and the intense, soul sucking pain.
I know that I am supposed to write regularly in my blog, but I cannot. My heart is in the right place. I know that I SHOULD do this thing,but I cannot write on command. It is so difficult to find my voice in the silence that makes up my days.
There is a storm coming. I was feeling pretty good, then I heard thunder and the pressure of the barometer changing has me feeling like.. Well, I feel like my spine wants to come out and form a tail. I feel like my arms weigh a ton each and I am so happy that I can slowly type this out on my very small (small so I don’t have to reach ) Chromebook keyboard.
My head, that feels like my face wants to peel off, starting with my forehead. My legs also feel like they weight a ton and a half. My skin is burning, sort of. I feel like I am having a hot flash, although I am only 40 so it isn’t an actual hot flash. My hands feel like they are sort of asleep, and also really sore, with muscle failure because I am typing.
My feet feel like… well, they are usually super numb but right now they are burning? I cannot find words.. electricity in my feet. Shorting out and shooting invisible sparks that are really uncomfortable and burny.
I make the paragraphs short because it is much easier to read a short paragraph, and I am not sure why. I know that is a Fibro thing because I used to read so many books the librarians knew me by name and were constantly shocked by how fast I would go through a giant stack. I don’t do that anymore. Again, not sure why.
That is a lie, I know why. I hate to admit it. I hate it. I hate that I don’t remember what I read. My reading comprehension is nearly gone. I will read the same page over and over and not remember it. It scares the shit out of me. I feel really stupid.
Same with movies. I will totally forget what I watched. Even if it was last week. I can watch some things three and four times and still not remember the movie.
I know that a lot of people write about Fibro. I have this blog because I know that we are all at home, in pain, alone in the silence, and (sort of) scared. My kids are grown. My youngest graduates high school in two weeks. My house is very quiet.
Rule one: I should always listen to music when I write.
Music helps. If you let it. We should really work on that. Although, even as I say that I don’t want to stop writing long enough to get music going.
The storm… I have run out of things to say. I typed this in real time along with my brain flow because I bet that those of you with Fibro will get every single thing. My seemingly random thoughts and short paragraphs; as well as my grammar and spelling are all because: my brain. It won’t work while I am in this much pain.
I am concentrating so hard on NOT falling to the floor and screaming that it is exceedingly difficult to write my thoughts as they are so thick and muddy. Brain fog. That is what they call it. I wish it was only fog. It’s more like Brain Mud, or Brain Tar.
Live to fight another day. Survive. Turn on some music. I will as soon as I am done with this paragraph. Thanks for reading. Just know that you aren’t alone. We are out here.